Matching

 I have met my match, it seems.

Others have come pretty darn close, and I loved them.  I learned from and with them.  And they loved me.

[The saddest, hardest thing is when two people love each other, but cannot make a commitment.]

[It can also be hard when the love is one-sided, unrequited.]

But to truly be able to express oneself fully, without filter, and for the other person not only to pretty much understand everything you say, but also to remain curious and teachable to what they don't fully understand--that's a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Yes, eventually personalities will rub.  Yes, marriage and love is a choice and a commitment.  Yes, that initial spark must be maintained.  

Yes to all the above.  And it also must be said--some connections blow all the other ones out of the water.

Not everyone understands what it's like to have moved every 2 years for the last 10 years, and to have dated lots of quality men along the way.  It can feel hard to meet someone who can understand every part of your experience, and can have meaningful and engaging dialogue with you on almost every facet of who you are.  But when it does happen, you feel seen and heard and known in ways that are exhilarating, refreshing, infatuating, stirring, motivating, comforting, and, simply amazing.

Now, the thing is--one can experience the most amazing connection in the world.  But, if there is not a choice and commitment to partnership and love, then it also remains just that--the most amazing connection of a lifetime.  

So, it remains to be seen, whether that sort of thing is sustainable for a lifetime--or whether it just marks the most incredible and irreplaceable memory of a lifetime.

On Logic

Dear Certain Men in my Family,

You have been blessed with the gift of sound logic and strong rationale.  What concerns me is that sometimes, you rely on logic, to the detriment of your interpersonal relationships.  Is it worth it?

Logic is a gift that Mother Nature has given us, to help us navigate the uncertainties of life, as well as the irrationalities of our environment.  So much in our world doesn't make sense, so the least we can do is figure out a way to make sense of our own choices and beliefs.  I get that.

But, as the famous relationship therapist Esther Perel says, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be (in a relationship with someone you love)?"  In other words, one can be right without being right.  Does that make (intuitive, in addition to logical) sense?

Logic can become a defense mechanism against true vulnerability; it is a coping skill that has helped us get through life, but which can end up hurting our ability to build and sustain meaningful relationships.

"I don't always think I am right.  I think I am right until I realize or am convinced that I am wrong."  

I don't think there is anything wrong with that statement, but I would much rather think I am right, but allow for the 10% chance that I am wrong.  So, even if I actually am 100% sure that I am right in a given moment, I will choose to allow for a 10% chance that I am wrong, so that I have a more open-minded attitude and a better way of communicating with others who see things differently.

"Well, other people are responsible for their reactions to my choices.  I am not responsible for how other people feel."

Well, yes--AND.  Part of what makes us human is our relational capital, as well as how we manage our own feelings and experiences, and affect others' feelings and experiences.  Logic is part of being human, but I do get concerned when logic is elevated to the point where those other amazing parts of being human--of sharing ourselves with others, and allowing ourselves to be emotionally connected and influenced by others--fall by the wayside.

I can't help but feel that Western-Enlightenment-influenced education has overly and overtly stressed the importance of the rational functions of the human brain.  But--neuroscience is now showing us that the human brain is also a very emotional muscle.  Defense mechanisms, stirred by emotional experiences, take form as we are growing up, and they shape (some of) our (problematic) behavior for the long-term, until and unless we can learn to reframe some of our basic assumptions.  One of those basic assumptions is that doing what makes sense to me is the best course of action, all the time.  Especially if I wholeheartedly research and pursue the Truth of the matter(s).  

Unfortunately, we are all fallible.  There is no fool-proof way to live, no guarantee that we are right.  Does that seem like a scary thought?  If so, that fear will drive us to logic in a way that conflates being rational with being right.  It will also damage our ability to compromise and communicate with those around us.

Personally, I do care about being right--that's part of it--but also that I am whole and healthy and happy.  Personally, I don't think that Logic and being right will help me be whole and healthy and happy.  It has its place, but it's not what my choices and communication style revolves around.

Also, just to be fully open about my own bias: as an Asian female, I would never have been allowed to get through life acting purely on my own sense of logic (even if my logic was Truth and I was Right in the biggest sense of the word), without considering (or being made responsible for) others' feelings.  That is a privilege that only men have.  

Chinese Patriarchy is real, and if you have benefitted from it, then perhaps it's time to take a moment and reflect on the ways that your being right has left a trail of misunderstandings and offended feelings in its wake.  And if you still think you are right, then all I can say is: the Patriarchy has succeeded.  恭喜！

My 2 cents.