I longed for Yale most of my life, and when I finally got it, I loved it with all of my heart.
I couldn't bear to leave Yale last year, but Boston requested my presence, and so I moved two hours away and visited whenever I could.
Commencement is happening within a matter of days, and in some ways it feels like I never left.
Dreams do come true--after years of hope deferred. Yale was the culmination of so many things in my life, and it has forever changed me.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Saturday, May 6, 2017
An Address Given on the First Day of the Semester
Dear Theologian,
You may not consider yourself to be a theologian, but you are. Whether you are student or teacher, expert or practitioner, explorer or tour guide, the fact that you are engaging the things of God means that you are a theologian. I begin my message here because it took auditing a course at a Catholic seminary, a year after graduating from Yale Divinity School, for me to realize that I was as legitimate a theologian as my white male counterparts—and as other (bolder and sharper) students of color who spoke with prophetic voices that seemed beyond my reach. I have had my reasons for disqualifying myself from identifying as a theologian, and perhaps you do too. Or perhaps you have never doubted this part of your identity. Either way, I am writing to you from one (female, Asian) body-that-houses-a-theological-spirit to another.
“Dear” has become a formal way to address someone in writing, but let us also remember that we are all here because we mean something special to the Divine, who is the reason for our course of study. You may not feel endeared to the academic setting, but perhaps we can work together to make it feel more like a community. Start by seeing your classmates and colleagues as neighbors rather than as competitors. Take a moment every day to just be a wallflower and people-watch. Notice their affect and wonder about the identities they embody. When you interact with them, do not expect them to represent any particular views or culture. Try to get to know them on their own terms.
In the classroom, at faculty meetings, and during academic events and conferences, be aware of interpersonal dynamics. Who is quickest to speak, and who seems most confident? Is anyone’s voice shrouded by the nature of the conversation, and how can you create space and invite everyone in? How can you engage others’ viewpoints when sharing your own—can you refer to another’s comment and build upon it?
How can we exercise the discipline of active listening and community-building during a class discussion? Perhaps this means giving eye contact, affirming affect, and encouraging comments. Perhaps this means taking risks and speaking up even when we feel uncertain about our abilities and opinions. And most definitely, this means being humble and being sincere.
We may find in the course of deconstructing assumptions that we are beings who, without meaning to, hold prejudices. Let us look this reality squarely in the face, but let us also give ourselves grace. The step to learning about others is to be aware of our implicit biases and to be humble and brave enough to admit them. May we reckon with the sin within before we contemplate the iniquities of our world and come up with solutions for its social ills.
I must confess that that sometimes academia reeks of arrogance. We are constantly making claims, staking territory, and proving ourselves to be worthy of the quest for truth at hand. The classroom becomes a performative space in which the most eloquent gain the most power. “There is nothing new under the sun,” yet we want so badly to sound original. “Of the making of books there is no end,” yet we strive to publish, to speak at conferences, to secure grants, to attain tenure, the list goes on.
In the midst of what may sometimes seem like “vanity of vanities,” let us remember the redeeming quality of imagination. Countless books and articles demand our attention, but let us not forget to close our eyes and envision the heart of God—how vast and wide it is, and how it diminishes the human mind—when all is said and done. May our imagination of God keep us humble, and may we remember how much larger Her thoughts are the next time we think we have a brilliant idea.
But our limited human imagination is also God-given, a form of Divine inspiration that can enlarge the scope of wo/mankind in transformative and transcendent ways. Sometimes we must have a vision for how things could be in order to carry on in what currently is. And I believe that it aligns with the heart of God when we use or prophetic imagination to speak truth to power and to put cracks into the system.
So at the end of it all, remember that we are but dust, and to dust we shall return—but remember also that we are made in God’s image, and that the renewing of our minds and the enlarging of our hearts can breathe life into our scholarly pursuits and to our social activism. Remember—and also imagine. May God direct our steps as we begin this academic year. Amen.
You may not consider yourself to be a theologian, but you are. Whether you are student or teacher, expert or practitioner, explorer or tour guide, the fact that you are engaging the things of God means that you are a theologian. I begin my message here because it took auditing a course at a Catholic seminary, a year after graduating from Yale Divinity School, for me to realize that I was as legitimate a theologian as my white male counterparts—and as other (bolder and sharper) students of color who spoke with prophetic voices that seemed beyond my reach. I have had my reasons for disqualifying myself from identifying as a theologian, and perhaps you do too. Or perhaps you have never doubted this part of your identity. Either way, I am writing to you from one (female, Asian) body-that-houses-a-theological-spirit to another.
“Dear” has become a formal way to address someone in writing, but let us also remember that we are all here because we mean something special to the Divine, who is the reason for our course of study. You may not feel endeared to the academic setting, but perhaps we can work together to make it feel more like a community. Start by seeing your classmates and colleagues as neighbors rather than as competitors. Take a moment every day to just be a wallflower and people-watch. Notice their affect and wonder about the identities they embody. When you interact with them, do not expect them to represent any particular views or culture. Try to get to know them on their own terms.
In the classroom, at faculty meetings, and during academic events and conferences, be aware of interpersonal dynamics. Who is quickest to speak, and who seems most confident? Is anyone’s voice shrouded by the nature of the conversation, and how can you create space and invite everyone in? How can you engage others’ viewpoints when sharing your own—can you refer to another’s comment and build upon it?
How can we exercise the discipline of active listening and community-building during a class discussion? Perhaps this means giving eye contact, affirming affect, and encouraging comments. Perhaps this means taking risks and speaking up even when we feel uncertain about our abilities and opinions. And most definitely, this means being humble and being sincere.
We may find in the course of deconstructing assumptions that we are beings who, without meaning to, hold prejudices. Let us look this reality squarely in the face, but let us also give ourselves grace. The step to learning about others is to be aware of our implicit biases and to be humble and brave enough to admit them. May we reckon with the sin within before we contemplate the iniquities of our world and come up with solutions for its social ills.
I must confess that that sometimes academia reeks of arrogance. We are constantly making claims, staking territory, and proving ourselves to be worthy of the quest for truth at hand. The classroom becomes a performative space in which the most eloquent gain the most power. “There is nothing new under the sun,” yet we want so badly to sound original. “Of the making of books there is no end,” yet we strive to publish, to speak at conferences, to secure grants, to attain tenure, the list goes on.
In the midst of what may sometimes seem like “vanity of vanities,” let us remember the redeeming quality of imagination. Countless books and articles demand our attention, but let us not forget to close our eyes and envision the heart of God—how vast and wide it is, and how it diminishes the human mind—when all is said and done. May our imagination of God keep us humble, and may we remember how much larger Her thoughts are the next time we think we have a brilliant idea.
But our limited human imagination is also God-given, a form of Divine inspiration that can enlarge the scope of wo/mankind in transformative and transcendent ways. Sometimes we must have a vision for how things could be in order to carry on in what currently is. And I believe that it aligns with the heart of God when we use or prophetic imagination to speak truth to power and to put cracks into the system.
So at the end of it all, remember that we are but dust, and to dust we shall return—but remember also that we are made in God’s image, and that the renewing of our minds and the enlarging of our hearts can breathe life into our scholarly pursuits and to our social activism. Remember—and also imagine. May God direct our steps as we begin this academic year. Amen.
Glossolalia and Code-Switching
It's only 8:30 am, but already I have learned a lot this morning. I skimmed articles on Boston Irish Catholic history, Italian American history, Polish American history, and the history of Pentecostalism.
Boston is a city that makes me feel like I am not in America. Many of my international students have said the same. So I've been trying to figure out what about its history set this kind of tone.
Gradually, my mind wandered over to the history of Pentecostalism, as it is one of the most explosive denominations in the world today--and I am dating someone who's a Pentecostal pastor.
Last night, we saw each other for the first time in a month. (The last time it was for the first time in thirteen weeks!) We talked about our ability to code-switch with other people.
This morning, I wonder if being Pentecostal--and especially speaking in tongues--allows follower of Jesus to more easily step into the worlds of other people.
I have found that people who were raised in bilingual families have that ability in demonstrably higher proportions than those who were not.
If speaking in tongues (glossolalia) means that one is comfortable producing sounds that one does not understand, does it not help in code-switching? And if praying in the Spirit means that we give up control--over even what we pray--does that not help in becoming more accommodating towards others?
At the same time, I am tired of having to constantly accommodate other people. I also believe it is time for me to be me, and to invite others to enter into my world and my mode of being, even if it is off the beaten path. In Divinity School, I learned many things about the gift of hospitality that I have been given--the ability to make "every tribe and tongue and nation" feel at home. I am still endeavoring to host the presence of God in my every day life in tangible ways. Does our presence on earth not warrant inviting neighbors (in the Good Samaritan sense of the word) into our experience of Jesus, and engaging in a two-way-street relationship with those around us?
For too long, Western Christianity has come hand-in-hand with imperialism, colonialism, and racism. We have, quite honestly, been bad neighbors to much of the world. Let us repent from this sinful trajectory and follow God's spirit rather than our own ideologies.
Amen.
Boston is a city that makes me feel like I am not in America. Many of my international students have said the same. So I've been trying to figure out what about its history set this kind of tone.
Gradually, my mind wandered over to the history of Pentecostalism, as it is one of the most explosive denominations in the world today--and I am dating someone who's a Pentecostal pastor.
Last night, we saw each other for the first time in a month. (The last time it was for the first time in thirteen weeks!) We talked about our ability to code-switch with other people.
This morning, I wonder if being Pentecostal--and especially speaking in tongues--allows follower of Jesus to more easily step into the worlds of other people.
I have found that people who were raised in bilingual families have that ability in demonstrably higher proportions than those who were not.
If speaking in tongues (glossolalia) means that one is comfortable producing sounds that one does not understand, does it not help in code-switching? And if praying in the Spirit means that we give up control--over even what we pray--does that not help in becoming more accommodating towards others?
At the same time, I am tired of having to constantly accommodate other people. I also believe it is time for me to be me, and to invite others to enter into my world and my mode of being, even if it is off the beaten path. In Divinity School, I learned many things about the gift of hospitality that I have been given--the ability to make "every tribe and tongue and nation" feel at home. I am still endeavoring to host the presence of God in my every day life in tangible ways. Does our presence on earth not warrant inviting neighbors (in the Good Samaritan sense of the word) into our experience of Jesus, and engaging in a two-way-street relationship with those around us?
For too long, Western Christianity has come hand-in-hand with imperialism, colonialism, and racism. We have, quite honestly, been bad neighbors to much of the world. Let us repent from this sinful trajectory and follow God's spirit rather than our own ideologies.
Amen.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
The Privilege of Progressive Thought
I think I've become one of those privileged liberals--the ones I could not understand in my 20s. Friend after friend went away to college and grad school, and they became simultaneously more aware and conscientious (of progressive ideas, having a voice, challenging the system) and more entitled (to having meaningful lives, jobs they actually liked, and distance from traditional structures--family, church, etc.--that they felt limited personal growth).
My brother hardly came home after going to college in Santa Barbara. He stayed there after graduation and made us feel inferior for being less enlightened. When we did have dinners together, he used words that were new to us. He had forsaken his family for the sake of the greater good.
Now, I've become one of them. After years of resisting, Yale was what did me in, finally. And now I've become one of those privileged young adults, living in an East Coast city, and continuing to search for meaning.
What Jesus might have to say is something I'm pondering. What does it mean for someone like me to pick up my cross daily and follow Him?
My brother hardly came home after going to college in Santa Barbara. He stayed there after graduation and made us feel inferior for being less enlightened. When we did have dinners together, he used words that were new to us. He had forsaken his family for the sake of the greater good.
Now, I've become one of them. After years of resisting, Yale was what did me in, finally. And now I've become one of those privileged young adults, living in an East Coast city, and continuing to search for meaning.
What Jesus might have to say is something I'm pondering. What does it mean for someone like me to pick up my cross daily and follow Him?
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Queen of Katwe
I found myself in tears, midway through Queen of Katwe.
I have been so discontent at work this week, but the film brought me back to what it means to be an educator and a mentor.
There are several kids at school with whom I have very meaningful interactions. They make the job worth it, even when I'm dreaming of other things.
The film also reminded me of how my success has come from the sacrifice of others--my mother, and her mother before her. How can I give back to them?
Food for thought, but for now, my body is ready for bed, and so I will lay my head down on my pillow….and sleep.
I have been so discontent at work this week, but the film brought me back to what it means to be an educator and a mentor.
There are several kids at school with whom I have very meaningful interactions. They make the job worth it, even when I'm dreaming of other things.
The film also reminded me of how my success has come from the sacrifice of others--my mother, and her mother before her. How can I give back to them?
Food for thought, but for now, my body is ready for bed, and so I will lay my head down on my pillow….and sleep.
Who was Huldah?
We have all probably heard of Deborah, a female judge who sat under a tree in the Old Testament.
But who was Huldah?
I found her in 2 Kings 22 this morning, during the reign of a king with which I am familiar: Josiah.
But I've never noticed the prophet Huldah before. "She was the wife of Shallum son of Tikvah, son of Harhas, the keeper of the Temple wardrobe" (v. 14, NLT).
Prophets are important in God's kingdom. They advise leaders and provide outside-of-the-institution/system perspective.
In the Old Testament, they are usually men, but not this time!
I want to be a prophetic voice for conservative Christianity.
May I hear from the Lord when it is time to speak.
But who was Huldah?
I found her in 2 Kings 22 this morning, during the reign of a king with which I am familiar: Josiah.
But I've never noticed the prophet Huldah before. "She was the wife of Shallum son of Tikvah, son of Harhas, the keeper of the Temple wardrobe" (v. 14, NLT).
Prophets are important in God's kingdom. They advise leaders and provide outside-of-the-institution/system perspective.
In the Old Testament, they are usually men, but not this time!
I want to be a prophetic voice for conservative Christianity.
May I hear from the Lord when it is time to speak.
Belief
One of the good things about being back on Facebook is seeing my friends' posts and having access to resources. This morning, my friend Peter reviewed God and the Gay Christian on Goodreads. Now, I'd heard of this book before, but seeing that this particular friend had read it caused me to check out a free sample on Kindle--and then promptly download the entire book. Already, it has been exactly what I've been wanting to get my hands on.
The book mentions this, but I had already been thinking about this for a while: sexuality and circumcision have both been understood by followers of God to be absolute things. In the Old Testament, circumcision is a matter of life and death, in several instances. The one I cite most often is that Moses' sons were almost killed by the angel of the Lord for not being circumcised. Similarly, homosexuality is interpreted by many Christians to be a matter of life and death.
But in Galatians, God turns God's own law upside down. This wreaks havoc in the church, and threatens the unity of the believers. If we ever get into the mentality that God's ways are supposed to stabilize our structures, think again.
In 2013, Exodus International essentially recanted from their belief that we can and should change individuals' sexual orientations. That was when I really started paying attention to my own beliefs in this area. It's taken few years, and it probably was not until the summer of 2016 that I really felt comfortable taking a stand for the open and affirming position. It almost cost me a relationship, seemingly, but I just cannot continue conforming to a theology in Evangelical Christianity that I have now come to question.
If we ever get into the mentality that allowing God's spirit to change our minds is not a part of following Jesus, think again.
But long ago, I told Jesus I would follow Him wherever He took me, even if that meant losing community from His so-called "church."
I have decided…to follow Jesus….no turning back…no turning back...
The book mentions this, but I had already been thinking about this for a while: sexuality and circumcision have both been understood by followers of God to be absolute things. In the Old Testament, circumcision is a matter of life and death, in several instances. The one I cite most often is that Moses' sons were almost killed by the angel of the Lord for not being circumcised. Similarly, homosexuality is interpreted by many Christians to be a matter of life and death.
But in Galatians, God turns God's own law upside down. This wreaks havoc in the church, and threatens the unity of the believers. If we ever get into the mentality that God's ways are supposed to stabilize our structures, think again.
In 2013, Exodus International essentially recanted from their belief that we can and should change individuals' sexual orientations. That was when I really started paying attention to my own beliefs in this area. It's taken few years, and it probably was not until the summer of 2016 that I really felt comfortable taking a stand for the open and affirming position. It almost cost me a relationship, seemingly, but I just cannot continue conforming to a theology in Evangelical Christianity that I have now come to question.
If we ever get into the mentality that allowing God's spirit to change our minds is not a part of following Jesus, think again.
But long ago, I told Jesus I would follow Him wherever He took me, even if that meant losing community from His so-called "church."
I have decided…to follow Jesus….no turning back…no turning back...
Pastoring
Last night, my spiritual director encouraged me to have specific conversations with Jesus about my calling. Thoughts on the matter have been percolating for a year--these days, I remember keenly what it was like in New Haven at this time last spring--and I remember investigating ordination requirements for various denominations in my spare time.
One that resonated with my heart and mind was the United Church of Christ. They listed emotional intelligence and competence as one of the key factors for pastoral ministry. Too often, Christian denominations fixate over what we believe--to the detriment of those we serve. But there was no way I could ever enter into the world of the UCC. My family and friends would probably distance themselves from me, because they are one of the most open and affirming denominations in America.
Another denomination whose website felt good at first glance was the Evangelical Covenant Church. Their statements on women in ministry and equality of all are very important. But then I got to their position paper on human sexuality, and it was not something to which I could publicly and officially ascribe and impose on others.
When searching for a church after Yale, I googled "vineyard" and "Boston." The first search result was the home page of Reservoir Church, which detailed a 2-year discernment process that led to leaving the Vineyard in order to make more room for persons of queer identity. This was what I had been longing to explore!
I shared about this journey with some of my friends, and a few of them sent articles, books, and emails to engage me on the topic. It's funny, because all throughout my twenties, I was the one trying to convince others of the Biblical view on sexuality, and my whole family was involved in the furthering of Proposition 8 in CA. But now my theology had shifted.
A year later, I am still discerning my call to ministry. I know that I love ecumenical settings and ministering to pastoral-types through friendship and theological camaraderie. I have done this for MDiv friends at Yale and for the guy I've been involved with for the past year, a licensed minister in the Assemblies of God. I also know that in every spare moment, I think about Christian belief and its implications--and that I am a theologian at heart. I love challenging common assumptions and cultural constructions.
Scripture remains a source of life for me. I love God's word.
Lord Jesus, you have called me to the priesthood of believers, but I also long to be a minister of the Gospel. How are you preparing me for the way in which I should go?
One that resonated with my heart and mind was the United Church of Christ. They listed emotional intelligence and competence as one of the key factors for pastoral ministry. Too often, Christian denominations fixate over what we believe--to the detriment of those we serve. But there was no way I could ever enter into the world of the UCC. My family and friends would probably distance themselves from me, because they are one of the most open and affirming denominations in America.
Another denomination whose website felt good at first glance was the Evangelical Covenant Church. Their statements on women in ministry and equality of all are very important. But then I got to their position paper on human sexuality, and it was not something to which I could publicly and officially ascribe and impose on others.
When searching for a church after Yale, I googled "vineyard" and "Boston." The first search result was the home page of Reservoir Church, which detailed a 2-year discernment process that led to leaving the Vineyard in order to make more room for persons of queer identity. This was what I had been longing to explore!
I shared about this journey with some of my friends, and a few of them sent articles, books, and emails to engage me on the topic. It's funny, because all throughout my twenties, I was the one trying to convince others of the Biblical view on sexuality, and my whole family was involved in the furthering of Proposition 8 in CA. But now my theology had shifted.
A year later, I am still discerning my call to ministry. I know that I love ecumenical settings and ministering to pastoral-types through friendship and theological camaraderie. I have done this for MDiv friends at Yale and for the guy I've been involved with for the past year, a licensed minister in the Assemblies of God. I also know that in every spare moment, I think about Christian belief and its implications--and that I am a theologian at heart. I love challenging common assumptions and cultural constructions.
Scripture remains a source of life for me. I love God's word.
Lord Jesus, you have called me to the priesthood of believers, but I also long to be a minister of the Gospel. How are you preparing me for the way in which I should go?
Friday, April 28, 2017
"Originals"
It's been a really shitty week. Even my super chipper and extroverted co-worker said it was "draining."
Yesterday, 2 things helped.
I went to the gym for a Vinyasa Yoga class. My body does not feel quite as out-of-sorts. I feel more balanced and grounded.
I discovered my next book for pleasure reading: Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World by Adam Grant (Sheryl Sandberg's co-author in Option B: Facing Adversity, Building resilience, and Finding Joy).
Already, it's been a pleasure to read.
From the first chapter on my Kindle:
"Having a sense of security in one realm gives us the freedom to be original in another." Apparently, some of the biggest breaks by creative people came when they were locked into less fulfilling day jobs. This is interesting, because "common sense suggests that creative accomplishments can't flourish without big windows of time and energy, and companies can't thrive without intensive effort."
If I am going to stay at my current job for one more year, I thought to myself the other day, I'm going to have to talk to my headmaster about things I want and don't want to do. Interestingly, the book mentions a project at Google that helped employees see that they had more control over their work lives than they'd assumed, inspiring them with "examples of people becoming the architects of their own jobs, customizing their tasks and relationships to better align with their interests, skills, and values." This is encouraging!
Yesterday, 2 things helped.
I went to the gym for a Vinyasa Yoga class. My body does not feel quite as out-of-sorts. I feel more balanced and grounded.
I discovered my next book for pleasure reading: Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World by Adam Grant (Sheryl Sandberg's co-author in Option B: Facing Adversity, Building resilience, and Finding Joy).
Already, it's been a pleasure to read.
From the first chapter on my Kindle:
"Having a sense of security in one realm gives us the freedom to be original in another." Apparently, some of the biggest breaks by creative people came when they were locked into less fulfilling day jobs. This is interesting, because "common sense suggests that creative accomplishments can't flourish without big windows of time and energy, and companies can't thrive without intensive effort."
If I am going to stay at my current job for one more year, I thought to myself the other day, I'm going to have to talk to my headmaster about things I want and don't want to do. Interestingly, the book mentions a project at Google that helped employees see that they had more control over their work lives than they'd assumed, inspiring them with "examples of people becoming the architects of their own jobs, customizing their tasks and relationships to better align with their interests, skills, and values." This is encouraging!
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Ministry
Ever since last spring, I have been praying for a ministry to call my own. Given by God, of course, but specific to my shape.
Something interesting has happened. I can't quite describe the process, but I can say that in the last few years, I have gained a kind of confidence that has allowed me to speak truth to White America not as the Other, but as Another.
I have agonized over the fact that many of my friends are white Christians, and that I've been in a relationship with a white male. Does this make me a sellout?
But I've recognized long ago that, due to my upbringing, I just don't resonate with much of the Asian American experience. I will always bear my heritage very proudly, but being closely linked to my family lineage and first language does not mean that I can relate with peers who were born here like me.
There is, however, a sort of code-switching at which I've become adept--that of relating with white Christians. In Trump's America, it can be easy to want to tear down whiteness, but perhaps there is a way in which I can enter into certain spheres of its domain and subvert it from the inside out. In part, being an Asian female gives me a type of positive liminality and quiet agency. Rather than use it to climb, why not use it to advocate?
Something interesting has happened. I can't quite describe the process, but I can say that in the last few years, I have gained a kind of confidence that has allowed me to speak truth to White America not as the Other, but as Another.
I have agonized over the fact that many of my friends are white Christians, and that I've been in a relationship with a white male. Does this make me a sellout?
But I've recognized long ago that, due to my upbringing, I just don't resonate with much of the Asian American experience. I will always bear my heritage very proudly, but being closely linked to my family lineage and first language does not mean that I can relate with peers who were born here like me.
There is, however, a sort of code-switching at which I've become adept--that of relating with white Christians. In Trump's America, it can be easy to want to tear down whiteness, but perhaps there is a way in which I can enter into certain spheres of its domain and subvert it from the inside out. In part, being an Asian female gives me a type of positive liminality and quiet agency. Rather than use it to climb, why not use it to advocate?
Chaplaincy
To be a chaplain is to be a non-anxious, spiritual presence in a secular work setting.
This is what I set out to become when I went to Yale Divinity School. I was interested in end-of-life settings, but my experience in student leadership also made me interested in educational administration. And so I put chaplaincy plans on hold and ended up as an administrator in the Boston education milieu.
Ironically, I have been not only an administrator, but also a chaplain, not only to students, but also to co-workers. That is what makes the work meaningful--I'm not particularly passionate about getting kids into good colleges or furthering our school's reputation in the independent school world. I certainly don't see myself in this field forever.
But for now, I'm trying to be a non-anxious listener for stressed-out co-workers and kids, and I share my faith quite naturally when it comes up in conversation.
See, life is never either-or (either I'm a chaplain or I'm not). It's often both-and!
This is what I set out to become when I went to Yale Divinity School. I was interested in end-of-life settings, but my experience in student leadership also made me interested in educational administration. And so I put chaplaincy plans on hold and ended up as an administrator in the Boston education milieu.
Ironically, I have been not only an administrator, but also a chaplain, not only to students, but also to co-workers. That is what makes the work meaningful--I'm not particularly passionate about getting kids into good colleges or furthering our school's reputation in the independent school world. I certainly don't see myself in this field forever.
But for now, I'm trying to be a non-anxious listener for stressed-out co-workers and kids, and I share my faith quite naturally when it comes up in conversation.
See, life is never either-or (either I'm a chaplain or I'm not). It's often both-and!
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
A Lament
I was born to be a leader...and you called me bossy
I wanted to disciple others...and you limited me to the ladies
I have a prophetic voice...and you said I was destroying the unity in fellowship
So even though I itch to preach, I limit myself to writing
Even though I want to pastor a church, I am a chaplain at work
And even though I love passionately, I just can't marry into the patriarchy
This is for the strong women out there who just can't stop being who they were created to be. Maybe we'll be in charge during the Millennial Reign, since this era has been run by men and for men.
Following Jesus is not the same as--in fact, it's sometimes antithetical to--being a nice Christian girl, and it has cost me community and, at several points in my journey, my faith altogether. But life without Him is just never the same, so like someone with Stockholm Syndrome, I keep staying on...
I wanted to disciple others...and you limited me to the ladies
I have a prophetic voice...and you said I was destroying the unity in fellowship
So even though I itch to preach, I limit myself to writing
Even though I want to pastor a church, I am a chaplain at work
And even though I love passionately, I just can't marry into the patriarchy
This is for the strong women out there who just can't stop being who they were created to be. Maybe we'll be in charge during the Millennial Reign, since this era has been run by men and for men.
Following Jesus is not the same as--in fact, it's sometimes antithetical to--being a nice Christian girl, and it has cost me community and, at several points in my journey, my faith altogether. But life without Him is just never the same, so like someone with Stockholm Syndrome, I keep staying on...
Back to Work
It's Tuesday, but I wish it were Friday.
I don't dread seeing any of the kids I work with--even those that are pains in the butt--but it's colleagues that sometimes suck the life out of me.
They are all such nice, responsible people, with strong family values and good work ethic. (Hello, old Boston!) But I detest small-talk, and sometimes, I think to myself, If I have to have one more conversation about dinner recipes, I'm going to scream.
I have never been an external processer (except with serious boyfriends), so it really bothers me when people spend so much time talking about things on a daily basis that will not be important in a month's time.
I enjoy getting to the heart of the issue in a conversation, and most people don't seem capable of doing that.
At Yale, I was drained most days too. I hosted numerous parties, and that was my secret way of creating community without having to socialize. If I felt stuck in a conversation, I would excuse myself by saying that I had to get our more food, clean up some trash, etc.
Jesus will refill me if I abide in Him. He knows what it was like to be clung to by people all the time, and He often had to go away to be by Himself. May I learn from the best!
I don't dread seeing any of the kids I work with--even those that are pains in the butt--but it's colleagues that sometimes suck the life out of me.
They are all such nice, responsible people, with strong family values and good work ethic. (Hello, old Boston!) But I detest small-talk, and sometimes, I think to myself, If I have to have one more conversation about dinner recipes, I'm going to scream.
I have never been an external processer (except with serious boyfriends), so it really bothers me when people spend so much time talking about things on a daily basis that will not be important in a month's time.
I enjoy getting to the heart of the issue in a conversation, and most people don't seem capable of doing that.
At Yale, I was drained most days too. I hosted numerous parties, and that was my secret way of creating community without having to socialize. If I felt stuck in a conversation, I would excuse myself by saying that I had to get our more food, clean up some trash, etc.
Jesus will refill me if I abide in Him. He knows what it was like to be clung to by people all the time, and He often had to go away to be by Himself. May I learn from the best!
Monday, April 24, 2017
Back to Facebook
I'm back on Facebook now that Lent is past, but my time away from it has given me a resolve to exert my agency over it rather than be subjected to its power over me.
I've decided to post positive things that might influence, encourage, and challenge others. Now, I've been doing that over the last few years (hopefully), but I'm spurred on to keep doing it with joy. A friend of mine responded to the post I put up on Saturday (see what I wrote for "Saturday Morning") and ended up sharing about her experiences as a female pastor in the last few years. I think she really needed to read my public statement--I didn't know it at the time, but perhaps it was an act of solidarity for her situation.
So, rather than simply avoiding Facebook out of fear that it will suck me into its grip, I'd like to tackle it face-on, and to see it as a platform for sharing radical love and truth in a world saturated with information and opinions.
Let's see how it goes!
I've decided to post positive things that might influence, encourage, and challenge others. Now, I've been doing that over the last few years (hopefully), but I'm spurred on to keep doing it with joy. A friend of mine responded to the post I put up on Saturday (see what I wrote for "Saturday Morning") and ended up sharing about her experiences as a female pastor in the last few years. I think she really needed to read my public statement--I didn't know it at the time, but perhaps it was an act of solidarity for her situation.
So, rather than simply avoiding Facebook out of fear that it will suck me into its grip, I'd like to tackle it face-on, and to see it as a platform for sharing radical love and truth in a world saturated with information and opinions.
Let's see how it goes!
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Saturday Evening Post
It's been a low-key day, but filled with many thoughts.
Now that Lent is over, I'm looking for a new rhythm of spiritual engagement.
Since my friend J is starting a job at a church in Brockton soon, I've decided to follow their Scripture reading plan.
This afternoon, I read the first five chapters of 2 Kings. I'm excited to follow Elisha as he comes into his own as a prophet of G-d.
Prophets heal, communicate with politicians during turbulent times, provide food, provide sources of income, help win battles, and give women sons. What an exciting role--and one with which I relate.
One thing I've been pondering of late: my mind soaks up so much on a daily basis, "like a sponge," as J once said. ("Soak it up and squeeze some back out," I quipped to another friend a few days ago.)
Facebook gives me more information than I can healthily process on a daily basis (now that I'm back on it), and working at a school also exposes me to people and their problems. I've begun to ask Jesus more regularly: "What is my role in this situation, in this institution, in this time of my life?"
Seeing as Elisha had several roles as a prophet, I am comforted to know that God's Spirit will lead in each situation--and that it may look different every time.
Now that's something I can work with!
Now that Lent is over, I'm looking for a new rhythm of spiritual engagement.
Since my friend J is starting a job at a church in Brockton soon, I've decided to follow their Scripture reading plan.
This afternoon, I read the first five chapters of 2 Kings. I'm excited to follow Elisha as he comes into his own as a prophet of G-d.
Prophets heal, communicate with politicians during turbulent times, provide food, provide sources of income, help win battles, and give women sons. What an exciting role--and one with which I relate.
One thing I've been pondering of late: my mind soaks up so much on a daily basis, "like a sponge," as J once said. ("Soak it up and squeeze some back out," I quipped to another friend a few days ago.)
Facebook gives me more information than I can healthily process on a daily basis (now that I'm back on it), and working at a school also exposes me to people and their problems. I've begun to ask Jesus more regularly: "What is my role in this situation, in this institution, in this time of my life?"
Seeing as Elisha had several roles as a prophet, I am comforted to know that God's Spirit will lead in each situation--and that it may look different every time.
Now that's something I can work with!
Saturday Morning Thoughts...
...some public:
I went to Divinity School after seeing many close friends be profoundly hurt by the church in my 20s--and to become a hospice chaplain, because no one had ever said I could be a pastor. I have heard and been held back by (some version of) every quote mentioned in this article (http://churchleaders.com/news/302572-hashtag-thingsonlychristianwomenhear-blowing-twitter-pointing-misogyny-church.html), but somehow I still desired to follow Jesus in the fullness of who I was wired to be. Stepping out in this kind of freedom has cost me certain Christian communities and even potential marriage partners, but it is worth it and has brought unspeakable happiness even in the midst of angst and sorrow. May the Spirit move in our hearts and shake things up in church culture during this season leading up to Pentecost!
在美國保守教會圈子，“女強人”很難當“好基督徒”。二十三歲拿到第一個碩士時，大人都說，“別在念下去，要不然嫁不出去“。還好我有機會去耶魯神學院，聽到一些不一樣的想法，找到自己的快樂。
...and some private:
Dear R,
I can't believe it's already/only been a month since I left Nairobi!
I may not have processed aloud with you while I was there, but Kenya really healed my heart in many ways. It was the landscape of the safari trip and the warm water of the coast that did it...and spending time with you!
Lent is over, Easter has come, and Pentecost is still to come. I feel things stirring, after a long and pretty dreadful season of waiting.
So J got the job at the church in Massachusetts and will begin on May 8th. This is after us being in different places since July!
We are going to try things again. No hard feelings if it doesn't work out, but we do want to work through some differences to see if we can indeed partner in life.
Meanwhile, I had my first non-awkward conversation at work yesterday with the Economics teacher, PW, who I think has been interested in me since I started at the job, and it caused me to think about how I do think I am rather polyamorous and reluctant to commit to only one person, but also that maybe I also just have a big capacity to relate to human beings of the opposite gender. Funny, now that I'm in a more committed friendship with one person, I'm less nervous to interact with another.
I've aired several grievances with G-d lately, too. It's just so frustrating to be at this stage of life, to have many things to be grateful for, but also to have had several disappointments.
I miss having you around to have these chats with, but I'm soooooooo glad we had such a memorable time together.
Please keep me posted on your CA plans for July, and do let me know how much I should give you via PayPal =)
Much love,
N
In case the article link to Church Leaders one day expires (http://churchleaders.com/news/302572-hashtag-thingsonlychristianwomenhear-blowing-twitter-pointing-misogyny-church.html):
The Hashtag #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear Is Blowing Up Twitter and Pointing Out Misogyny in the Church
On Tuesday, April 18, 2017, popular Christian author and “Jesus feminist” Sarah Bessey started a conversation on Twitter that has blown up into a trending topic and heated discussion. The hashtag linking it all together is #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear, and the experiences women are relating are heartbreaking, and sadly point to a divisive rift in the church.
Bessey is known for pointing out what she believes are misogynist practices in the church. An egalitarian and feminist, Bessey pulls no punches in her writing. In her book Jesus Feminist, she writes: “I look forward to the day when women with leadership and insight, gifts and talents, callings and prophetic leanings are called out and celebrated as Deborah, instead of silenced as Jezebel.”
While you may not agree with her egalitarian stance or her approach to interpreting Scripture, the conversation that Bessey has sparked on Twitter cannot be ignored by the broader church. In fact, the ripple effect of the conversation has already reached Huffington Post, and, unsurprisingly, stirred up more conversation in the broader culture.
As a way of summary, here are the main topics that are being addressed with this hashtag:
Women in Leadership
The bulk of the comments center on people’s disagreement with the traditional position of the western church to exclude women from leadership. People are commenting on the euphemisms churches use when they allow a woman to preach or teach, but call it something else so as not to label her as a leader or preacher.
“You speak five languages and have a doctoral degree? Children's ministry is your calling!”#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
Women can't be in leadership positions. You should marry a guy who feels called to that position and help him.#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
"You can't serve communion, but you are expected to serve at the potluck later" #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
"If you preach, I wil get up and walk out."#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
@sarahbessey "You can't be a preacher, but you can be a missionary" #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear [*Sigh]
Sexuality
We shouldn’t be surprised sexuality has come up. If there’s one thing that the church has tried to codify and agree on, it’s what teaching we should offer young people regarding sexuality. Here again are the frustrations women are feeling over this topic.
There's no sin so big that God can't redeem it.
Except your purity.
Give that up and you're screwed.#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
Youth camp, in gender groups: Guys: let's talk about your sexuality. Girls: let's talk about guys' sexuality.#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
"Your purity is the greatest gift you have to give" So not my brains, ambition, or any other great qualities?#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
"Men will look at you and be tempted and sin." We say this to 12 year old girls. I was ashamed until my 20s.#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
Stop looking at me funny when I compare the way churches treat women to rape culture. #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
YALL "We dont condone RAPE! Of course not!
ALSO YALL: Women dress modestly so you dont tempt your brothers.#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
The Hypocrisy of Gender Roles
Gender roles has become akin to a curse word in the church, along with the phrase “biblical manhood and womanhood.” It’s no secret we have disagreements and problems with this topic. Some of these are so painful to hear…
When you heard many sermons on how women submit to husbands but 0 on how husbands lay down their life for wife#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
"Only men are strong enough to lead."
"Men just aren't strong enough to resist your above-mid-thigh shorts." #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
"If we use feminine pronouns for God, it will isolate & exclude the men." #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
Dress modestly because men are too weak. Also men are in charge of you because they are spiritually superior#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
"You're a Christian feminist? Good luck finding a husband!" *cackles*#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear
And, finally, here is a poignant tweet from a young person to show us why church leaders should tune into this conversation:
#ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear Youth pastors and head pastors want to know why young people are leaving the church at 18. THIS is why. Listen
Here’s the bottom line: Our society and culture is changing rapidly. Young people are being taught that they (boys and girls, equally) can do anything they want. So when they come to church and experience these countercultural views toward women, they don’t understand. A little girl raised in today’s culture is eventually going to start asking: Why does my teacher at school tell me I can be the next President of the United States, while my teacher in Sunday school says the only teaching I can do at church is teach children or a room full of women. Whether your church holds to this particular standard or not is beside the point. This is the perception of the culture toward the broader church.
It’s not going to be easy, but your church needs to have a response to these statements. Instead of ignoring the conversation, it will be better for us to address it. Whether your church is complementarian or egalitarian or falls somewhere in the middle, you can’t afford to be silent on this one.
Leaders, it is time that we lead and steward what God has given us better. Silencing and ignoring is not leadership. Loving, teaching and addressing concerns is leading like Jesus led.
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