Life in New Haven

For my first 10 days in New Haven, I was car-less.  My beloved car, Fred, was being driven/towed/"shipped" cross-country, with 100 pounds of stuff in his trunk.  In the meantime, gracious people gave me rides to the grocery store, and campus shuttles were also helpful.  But I greatly missed the independence that driving affords, and I couldn't wait for Fred to join me in New Haven.

Finally, I got a call from the driver who was bringing Fred to me.  My friend Ann (also a 1st year student at Yale Divinity School--YDS for short) gave me a ride to the place where the driver was to meet me, and then, I was behind the steering wheel again.

Almost immediately, Fred became something I could share with my newfound friends here at YDS.  In the week that I've had a car again, I have given people rides from church to dinner, from campus to the athletic fields for soccer practice, from the apartment buildings to the park for evening Shakespeare performances, and both to the train station and from the airport.  I feel that, because I had been without a car for a few days, I am much more sympathetic to those without cars.

May my car continue to be used in ways that can bless others during my time in New Haven!!

In other news:

Classes have begun, and it's both overwhelming and exciting at the same time.

And, yesterday, I played both soccer and ultimate frisbee with people in the Divinity School--that was fun!

'Till next time!

Identity, Yet Again

My last post didn't really tie into its title that well.  Oh well.  Just another one of those things that makes me feel like this blog needs to either get better or stop happening.

Anyways, I reflected on my blogging process right after publishing the previous post, and I was annoyed by how every topic I brought up always had to tie back to my own life.  As if, if things can't somehow be relevant to me, I wouldn't spend time on them.

Don't worry.  I don't really hate myself as much as these initial sentences make it seem like…

I am an Asian-American that doesn't really understand what Asian American culture is because I've always been more interested in the Chinese culture and American culture of older generations than the popular trends and current tendencies of others Asians like me who were born in America.  I am at once Chinese and American, for even though I believe that I have a fairly decent knowledge of Chinese culture and that my Chinese fluency is above average, I am also aware that there are parts of me that are irreversibly American in spirit.

This whole Identity thing, for instance.  I am a bit obsessive about articulating to myself (and those who will listen) how I see myself and how I fit into the environment around me.

I guess that's one thing that makes me perfect for Yale Divinity School.  People here have a very strong sense of who they are and what they want, and they also want to know about who you are and what you want.  Coming from the task-oriented working world where all that doesn't really matter from the hours of 9-5, I'm excited to dialogue with others about this.  But I'd also like to stay away from some of the pathologies of Obsession with Identity, which I find to be problematic.

Case in point: During one of the student panels, individuals shared at length and in depth about their experiences here.  (I wish I could play some soundbites of that panel for you, because goodness, people here are so freaking good at articulating things!).  During the Q&A portion of the panel, a young student who seemed to be just as American as the other whites in the room until she began speaking in a British accent went up to the microphone.  Her question was simple: "Do we all really need to be so sure about who we are and what we believe…like, is it ok for me to not feel so strongly about my own identity?"

The room erupted in an overwhelming "no!", and no effort was made to address any kind of alternative to this emphasis identity.

That reaction of the crowd was, to me, a very telling example of American Individualism on Steroids.  Even in our desire to do good for society and the world at large, we are so focused on how we do it and our personal role and style.  Could it be that, at the root of everything, we run the risk of being just as Self-Centered (which is not the same as being selfish) as someone who doesn't give a damn about saving the world?

This may be a generalization, but most other cultures around the world find Collective Identity to be the norm.  Sure, individuals can have their own personality and style, but overall, who you are doesn't matter quite as much as where you came from and what you look like.  I would suffocate if I lived in such a world, and I find it a huge blessing to be a Chinese* person in American society because I feel like the two identities balance each other out.

But after that incident, I found myself asking (out loud! I am so glad I feel safe enough to be this outspoken in a new environment) those around me:

Is it really that important that we figure out who we are and what we want at any given moment of our academic lives?

Does anyone else find it ironic that an institution that prides itself on being liberal and diverse has, at its core, the backbone of Individualistic Identity that may alienate students from other cultures?  

Most interestingly, and perhaps importantly, I didn't see the crowd's reaction as being hostile or even directed at the student from England's question.  I read it as a gut response (somewhat cathartic and even revelatory! ) to the unspoken pressure that everyone here feels to be engaged with their Identity.  It's like this innocent question called into consciousness a Problem that people weren't really aware of and thus had no way of challenging or overthrowing!

It will be very interesting to see if (and I do hope it happens!) international students, as well as students of color and/or various backgrounds, challenge the attitudinal Norms around here.  I'm looking forward to seeing fruitful dialogue come out of these friendly clashes of culture.  And I welcome any healthy conflict that helps this community grow into the open-minded and global environment that it would like to be.

Yes, after just a few short days, I am owning my identity as a Divinity Student at Yale, and I'm eager to hash out how my individual identity adjusts to--and critiques and challenges--the Identity of the student body.

*Technically, I'm more Taiwanese-American than I am Chinese-American, but using the latter in this discussion just seemed like less work, especially in a post that touches on East-West contrasts.

Identity, and What It Means

I learned of the news in Ferguson while at the airport en route to what many still think of as a white man's institution and am so far, the only American-born Asian female I have met at a graduate/professional program with a black female student council president.

I'm not usually one to avoid painful things on a personal level, but I tend to stay away from this kind of big news when it first erupts because I lack the capacity to process what exactly is happening.  That was last week, though, and tonight I find myself reflecting on the problems that plague this country.  Over the past few days, as I settled into life in New Haven, I got updates about Ferguson mostly from friends posting about it on on Facebook, and my heart was troubled.

On a side note, promoting awareness of social issues via social media is a valid way to counteract the proliferation of self-promotion that goes on.  My brother does this well, and I found his posts to be a timely (albeit indirect) answer to some of the musings in my earlier post about the use of Facebook.

As Orientation to Yale Divinity School began to unfold, I met many people (incoming class is nearly 150) from all walks of life and a huge variety of backgrounds.  Besides the sea of white faces, there were also African-Americans, Jamaicans, Koreans, and other individuals of color whom I have noticed but have yet to meet.  People here are very sure of their own Identity--where they come from; how their background has shaped them; what areas in which they have beliefs and what areas in which they don't; what their interests are; what they hope to do; and the best way they express themselves--without letting that sense of identity cloud their ability to accept and connect with other people.

At least, that's how everyone is quite successfully coming across in this First Impressions stage of the journey.

There is a lot to sort through as I settle in and figure out how I fit in to this environment.  There are so many kinds of people represented at Yale Divinity School, and it's refreshing and overwhelming at the same time.  I have always loved having different social circles and relating with people from different backgrounds, and there is great potential for that here.  As draining as it can be for an introvert (as much as it annoys me and people around me, that is the Identity with which I label myself the most--yes I have a problem but ain't dealing with it just yet) I am determined to do whatever I can to be a bridge between the genders, classes, races, and ethnicities--or at least, less ambitiously, to contribute towards things that promote a healthy shaping of how people with Differences interact in this Space.

See, I'm already beginning to pick up Divinity School lingo… I'm sorry if you find it pretentious!  Just experimenting with how I will appropriate the language that I've been hearing around me...

In all seriousness, though, I truly think that "bridging" is one of those things that has often found its way into my life whether I was looking for it or not.  It certainly brings a lot of healthy tension to my inner being, despite the placid face I try to present to the world around me.  As a naturally indecisive person, I am able to accommodate many viewpoints without having to quickly form opinions or judgements.  As an empathetic listener, I also seem to invite people to reveal their problems to me.  That hasn't begun happening just yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if it does soon.

As my weekend begins and I find myself homework-less (and car-less) the weekend before school starts, my thoughts go out to the insane damage that has been wrought, and what in my younger years would have been anger that made me tremble convinces me today that there is work that needs to happen and that I need to be a part of it.  I no longer have the energy to be avidly militant about injustice, but I know that I intend to get myself into a posture of supporting the Fight that others are engaged in and in aiding the Work that desperately needs to be done.

[A note on my use of words: I have yet to learn the language that best serves this kind of a discussion, so please forgive anything that has not been stated in the best manner possible]

Being Myself

My summer was a leisurely whirlwind, if such a thing exists.   In other words: it was busy, but not rushed.  I wrapped things up at work, said goodbye to my residents and co-workers, visited relatives in Taiwan, toured Singapore for 2 1/2 days, and spent time with my family and friends in LA before moving to the East Coast.

Once I arrived at Yale, I had more than enough time to be by myself.  I don't mind being alone, but after 4 days in an empty apartment on a quiet campus, I was starting to get cabin fever.  Finally, it was time for Orientation, a busy few days of meeting classmates and learning about my program.  As I got ready in the morning, playing a worship song on my laptop, I found myself pondering:

Why am I here?  What am I doing with my life?  Who am I in the context of Yale?

I wasn't questioning my decision to come to Divinity School but rather reflecting on what it meant to be myself in this new season of life.

Back in LA, I had held on rather tightly to my self-imposed identity of being an introvert.  I often felt the pull to go out and be social, and whenever I gave in to that pull, I simultaneously wished I could just go home and be by myself.  Although I genuinely liked and appreciated my wonderfully supportive community, I often wished I didn't have so many social obligations/invitations.  I felt like a few engaging conversations with my roommate or my family satisfied my relational itch more than any amount of group gatherings and small talk.  Still, I spent time with people on a very regular basis, feeling the freedom to be myself and knowing that people loved--and wanted to be with--me for who I was.

And thankfully, although I'm still getting acquainted with the Yale Divinity School community, I also feel that I will be able to be myself here in ways that are appropriate to the setting and that will hopefully bless others around me.  While I know that I have so much to absorb and learn here, I also know that I have something to offer.  I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not, and I won't waste time lamenting that I'm not everything I wish I was.  My many flaws (and believe me, there's nothing like being out of one's comfort zone to bring attention to what they are!) give me daily opportunities to trust in the Source of my inner strength.  In this new season of life, I'm going to have to be proactive about making new friends, intentional about building community, and open to learning from peers and professors alike.  It's a lot, and I'm determined to be myself--to stay true to the core of who I am--in the process.

Tomorrow I'll be skipping the morning portion of Orientation in order to recharge at home.  The session I'll be missing* is on strategies and services for mental and spiritual health, a topic which I find highly important and very mandatory for surviving my time here at Yale.  And that's why, instead of going to hear other people talk about it, I'll be doing just that--staying in to take care of myself and to be by myself.

That way, I'll be able to re-emerge at lunchtime, fully myself, and go full steam through the afternoon all the way till the end of our late-night socializing (free hors d'oeuvre reception…spiffy attire required!)


*We only need to attend certain mandatory sessions.  How much we participate in Orientation activities is at our discretion, and we have been reminded to take care of ourselves in order not to get overwhelmed.

First impressions of Yale

Divinity School 
The woman posing with me in the middle picture is a friend of my mom's who picked me up from the airport

Some Thoughts on Facebook

A few years ago, when I was going through some rough stuff, I had to take a break from going on Facebook.  I found myself playing the Comparison Game--why were others' lives going so well, it seemed, while I was struggling to even want to get up in the morning?

After 90 days away from Facebook, I found that I was able to rejoin the social media world and not get caught up in the Comparison Game anymore--I'd been cured!  When I encountered difficult times again, I no longer felt self-pity while seeing others' updates and pictures.  Yet, I couldn't help resenting people for being such "show-offs"…

Obviously, not everyone who posts on Facebook is showing off.  Some are simply sharing good news or simple pleasures with their friends.  Some are allowing their friends to live--and travel--vicariously through them.  Who am I to judge?

As someone who has struggled with "rejoicing with those who rejoice", I also happen to be a huge hypocrite.  For when I myself am going through seasons of blessing and prosperity, I tend to post more frequently on Facebook and to share pictures, despite the fact that this tendency in others used to bother me so much.

True, I always feel a sting of guilt whenever I do so.  Will this make someone going through tough times feel bad about their own less-than-happy situation?  Will I come across as insensitive?  As a show-off?  And yet, I still post, dismissing those concerns…

I'm still undecided about how I will use Facebook during this next season of my life.  I've moved and started a new venture, so perhaps some friends will want to see pictures (worth a thousand words of explanation!) of my new environment.  People often need visuals in order to understand what kind of life I'm living.  But I'm also aware of how I've felt in the past when people who seem to be living their dreams post about it on Facebook--and how my posts may make people feel.

When they see me post about my new academic adventure, will they know that I wanted to attend an Ivy League back in high school but had to focus on more important things, like my faith?  Will they know that it took years for me to stop wanting to come to Yale and that the dream had to die a long and painful death?  Will they know how humbled and grateful I am to be here now, and how undeserving I feel of what I believe to be a calling rather than a dream?

There were times back in the day when I gave up my dreams for Faith or for Family.  Those were painful times, and I didn't necessarily feel rewarded for my sacrifices--not until many years later, at least.  And I know so many people who haven't pursued their dreams--and who have given up so much more than I ever did--because things like family, faith, health, or financial stability are more important (or urgent).

There's gotta be a way to navigate Facebook with pure motives and with the purpose of blessing others, but I must confess that I haven't figured it all out.  May I continue to grow in sensitivity and mindfulness as I connect with others through social media, and may others show me grace, even if I come across the wrong way!

Why I Still Don't Like My Blog--But Will Stick With It

My very first post on this blog was titled: "Why I Don't Want to Start a Blog"  =P

And the fact remains:  I don't particularly enjoy blogging, nor do I like my blog all that much.  I took a break from blogging in July, trying to decide whether or not I would continue...

I guess I can't get over my assumption that bloggers just want attention and want others to know their thoughts.  I feel much more comfortable being an audience, observer, and listener, so to be in any kind of spotlight is uncomfortable (though at times exciting and stimulating!)

But here are a few reasons why I'd like to continue on with this blog, even though it's mediocre and even though I feel embarrassed to have my writing out there for others to see:

• Friends have said they enjoy reading my blog.  (As an example of how uncomfortable I am with it, my typical rejoinder is: "Really?  I hate it!  I feel so ashamed whenever I post something…") It's hard to imagine how my writing can bring enjoyment or blessing to others, but if that is the case, then I'm grateful and humbled!
• I've moved from CA to CT.  Rather than swamp people's emails (or Facebook!) with personal updates, I can post things in my blog and allow friends to check it out at their leisure.  If they aren't interested, they don't have to be bothered by my updates.
• Why not?  After all, I've stuck with it thus far :D