In 2007, when I was praying about marriage one day, I seemed to get an impression that God would give me someone who had 1) gone to Columbia University 2) played jazz 3) worked in finance and 4) salsa danced. There was no one around me who was remotely like that, and I soon forgot about it.
It wasn't until 2010, more than 6 months into a serious courtship, that I realized that the guy I was with was all four of those things. While this was a confirmation that I was able to hear specific things from God, it also proved to be a point of confusion for me when it came time to decide whether or not to stay in the relationship.
You see, there was one thing from his past that troubled me. We hadn't discussed it explicitly, but it was a shadow in the back of my mind. We were getting to the point of working towards engagement--I had quit my job and relocated to a city just ten minutes away from where he lived--and I needed to know more.
One night, I had a nightmare. So explicit that I felt as if I were seeing a part of his past--and experiencing the emotions that went on back then. I confronted him about it one October night--it was actually Halloween. It turns out that what I had seen was what had happened, and I lost it.
I was furious, and I let him have it. I hurt him deeply, and hope I never fly into that kind of a rage again. To this day, I still tend to erase that memory from my consciousness.
Then the counseling began. It worked insofar as I realized I wasn't ready for marriage and therefore couldn't get engaged to him--at least not yet.
One of the hardest things in the decision-making process was the fact that he was everything I had been prophetically been told about. Was I discarding the One God had prepared for me?
I came to the conclusion that he was indeed someone God had for me--as a gift, for a season, but not necessarily as a life partner.
Hearing from God is a confusing business, and I think it takes practice and community--as well as experiencing failures--in order to purge impure motives and selfish pride.
I ended up dating my ex a second time, due to "hearing from God." I shared with--and got very mixed responses from--my friends and community. The road to becoming potential partners again was not easy, and when we broke up a second time, I was completely confused and disillusioned.
Because church elders had been somewhat involved in our relationship the second time around, I found myself deeply mistrusting religious leadership. I stepped away from Sunday worship for a year and focused on finding myself again without the pressure of having to be a certain kind of Christian woman.
History is a blend of fact and storytelling. There is no journal entry from 2007 that proves that I "heard," but in my memory it is sharp and clear. This is my story, and how I narrate the past will affect how I approach the future. Thank goodness that God is still speaking to me--and that I hear him better as the years go by.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Farewell to Family
I went to my home church this afternoon for the first time in about five weeks.
Between going home for my brother's graduation, having my own graduation, and being in Europe for three weeks, I've been gone for a little while.
It's a strange thing to show up and welcomed back--only to tell your church friends that you'll be moving to Boston in a month.
It was nice to be back, and to know that people missed me and will miss me.
I was so involved on campus over the last two years that I didn't really serve at church. I attended home group faithfully for two years and prayed quite earnestly for its members, but mostly church was the place where I gleaned rather than gave support.
I'd like to serve in a church when I move to Boston. I'll still be very involved at school--but that will be my job and I'll want something else in my life. Plus, I won't be a student anymore!
Thank you, ECV, for shaping the way I approached Divinity School and New Haven for the last 2 years. Thank you for being a community that wants to grow together in learning how to listen to God's voice, and for helping my ears become much sharper in this regard.
I'm grateful, and I promise I'll come back and visit.
Between going home for my brother's graduation, having my own graduation, and being in Europe for three weeks, I've been gone for a little while.
It's a strange thing to show up and welcomed back--only to tell your church friends that you'll be moving to Boston in a month.
It was nice to be back, and to know that people missed me and will miss me.
I was so involved on campus over the last two years that I didn't really serve at church. I attended home group faithfully for two years and prayed quite earnestly for its members, but mostly church was the place where I gleaned rather than gave support.
I'd like to serve in a church when I move to Boston. I'll still be very involved at school--but that will be my job and I'll want something else in my life. Plus, I won't be a student anymore!
Thank you, ECV, for shaping the way I approached Divinity School and New Haven for the last 2 years. Thank you for being a community that wants to grow together in learning how to listen to God's voice, and for helping my ears become much sharper in this regard.
I'm grateful, and I promise I'll come back and visit.
Messages to Facebook
Holidays are hard when the thing being celebrated has not been a positive presence in one's life.
Today America celebrates Father's Day, and I skyped with my dad, who is in Taiwan.
I sent this message out to the Facebook world with the intention of both honoring my dad and being sensitive to those without one worth celebrating:
Today America celebrates Father's Day, and I skyped with my dad, who is in Taiwan.
I sent this message out to the Facebook world with the intention of both honoring my dad and being sensitive to those without one worth celebrating:
YDS folks: now that I've graduated, I shall take this particular day to let you in on a secret and introduce you to the actual person who coined--but did not copyright--the term "kind eyes"!
My dad's family history is a constant reminder to me that love can come in many forms and from many kinds of parents, so here's an acknowledgement of the most important thing of all: to look kindly upon others with eyes that seek to understand.
Letters to Jesus about Love
Jesus,
I've been back in New Haven for nearly a week.
My kind-eyed friend picked me up from the train station, and that was the start to our summer.
We've hung out just about every other day--
On Tuesday, we made dinner at his place and chatted for a bit. Then, folks from church came to pray with him about a potential job opportunity, and I came home for a nice walk to the park.
On Thursday, we walked around New Haven for an hour, sat on his porch swing for half an hour, and then met up with our old prayer group to bid farewell to mutual friends. For dinner we went to Moe's with four of his housemates, then watched a soccer game at an Irish pub from 9:30 onwards.
On Saturday, he picked me up and dropped me off at my spiritual director's house, then headed to a woodsy lake for a picnic and some reading. Our next activity was to water the lawn of a friend on vacation (the campus minister at Yale with whom he worked), and that took over an hour. We headed to the beach close to 4, and the weather was perfect: breezy, warm, not muggy, and not too strong of sunlight. Bradley Point Park is beautiful and faces the Long Island Sound. The tide was low, and we waded out to knee-deep water and made our way along the shore for a good while. Eventually we went to the part of the shore where people walked and roller-bladed on a cement path. A radio station played music for people to dance to, and I took a video to send to my friend Sarah in Germany.
It was past 6:30 when we returned to the car, where we decided to catch X-Men in theaters. We got ourselves on the road, got Wendy's drive-thru right off the freeway, and plopped into our seats in time for the movie.
By 10 pm we were in front of my house again, but we continued to talk until 1 am. It's not that I've never been this honest with a guy before--but it is the first time I can do so and have him be able to handle it.
Do we want marriage? we asked ourselves and each other.
Do we want to continue our friendship, this friends-and-a-bit-more-status?
Does our relationship support or hinder our respective callings?
What concerns might we have? I mentioned mine, because he wanted to know.
We're not really in love, but there's something to explore here.
It's a safe space, this friendship of ours, and I think we truly want what's best for the other person.
It's easy to be ourselves around each other--but is the attraction enough to last when we move away?
Jesus, these are questions we've asked each other--and that we invite you in to help us answer.
I don't think either of us want to love another person more than we love you. But if loving you means loving him, then I trust that time will let me know.
In the meantime, there's more hanging out to be had--and a short-but-hopefully-sweet summer to cherish.
~Natasha
I've been back in New Haven for nearly a week.
My kind-eyed friend picked me up from the train station, and that was the start to our summer.
We've hung out just about every other day--
On Tuesday, we made dinner at his place and chatted for a bit. Then, folks from church came to pray with him about a potential job opportunity, and I came home for a nice walk to the park.
On Thursday, we walked around New Haven for an hour, sat on his porch swing for half an hour, and then met up with our old prayer group to bid farewell to mutual friends. For dinner we went to Moe's with four of his housemates, then watched a soccer game at an Irish pub from 9:30 onwards.
On Saturday, he picked me up and dropped me off at my spiritual director's house, then headed to a woodsy lake for a picnic and some reading. Our next activity was to water the lawn of a friend on vacation (the campus minister at Yale with whom he worked), and that took over an hour. We headed to the beach close to 4, and the weather was perfect: breezy, warm, not muggy, and not too strong of sunlight. Bradley Point Park is beautiful and faces the Long Island Sound. The tide was low, and we waded out to knee-deep water and made our way along the shore for a good while. Eventually we went to the part of the shore where people walked and roller-bladed on a cement path. A radio station played music for people to dance to, and I took a video to send to my friend Sarah in Germany.
It was past 6:30 when we returned to the car, where we decided to catch X-Men in theaters. We got ourselves on the road, got Wendy's drive-thru right off the freeway, and plopped into our seats in time for the movie.
By 10 pm we were in front of my house again, but we continued to talk until 1 am. It's not that I've never been this honest with a guy before--but it is the first time I can do so and have him be able to handle it.
Do we want marriage? we asked ourselves and each other.
Do we want to continue our friendship, this friends-and-a-bit-more-status?
Does our relationship support or hinder our respective callings?
What concerns might we have? I mentioned mine, because he wanted to know.
We're not really in love, but there's something to explore here.
It's a safe space, this friendship of ours, and I think we truly want what's best for the other person.
It's easy to be ourselves around each other--but is the attraction enough to last when we move away?
Jesus, these are questions we've asked each other--and that we invite you in to help us answer.
I don't think either of us want to love another person more than we love you. But if loving you means loving him, then I trust that time will let me know.
In the meantime, there's more hanging out to be had--and a short-but-hopefully-sweet summer to cherish.
~Natasha
Friday, June 17, 2016
Consuming Thoughts
Rarely do I write when I eat.
Today is an exception, I suppose.
Thoughts come at the most unexpected times--in between bites of a carrot, I put the pieces together of an issue over which I've been puzzling for a while: what I think about the church as an institution and how it relates to my own spirituality. In consuming food, I also registered thoughts.
A week or so before finding a church home in New Haven at the Elm City Vineyard, I was at the airport watching the news about Ferguson and waiting for a connecting flight to Hartford, Connecticut. My spirit must have known that I needed to be in a community that actively addressed issues of racism, because both YDS and ECV turned out to be such places.
As an East Asian-American headed to a university that elevated my status within my demographic, it was crucial that I be aware of privileges of race. Coming from a largely Asian and white context, where black issues were often dismissed, I needed to bring racial issues to the forefront of my spiritual formation. I needed for my church home to have black leaders, and I needed to learn from black academics. I found what I needed in New Haven. Josh Williams, Julian Reid, Clarence Hardy, and Allen Reynolds will forever hold a dear place in my formation as a spiritual academic.
Seasons shift by and by, and as I look ahead to Boston and lament what happened in Orlando, I am compelled by the desire--the need--to seek a new church home that is open and affirming. Preferably with a woman as its lead pastor, too. These were things that the Elm City Vineyard did not have, and that's ok.
I'll be visiting a church in Boston on Sunday, I think. If it works out, I'd like to visit Reservoir Church, which began as a Vineyard Church but then became independent in order to be an open and affirming spiritual home for the queer community. Their leadership is very co-ed, and I need that. There are Asian women in leadership, and I've been yearning for that.
YDS and ECV were led by mostly white and black leaders, from whom I learned a lot and who I respect deeply. But I need to be led by someone who looks like me now, so it's time to move on.
Peter Hawkins, one of the professors who was on my trip to the Baltics with the Institute of Sacred Music, made a comment about my impending move: "Boston is a great place for a young Asian-American female."
New Haven was not.
I got what I needed from this season at Yale. It was important, and it's also time to move on.
I end with my Facebook status from today:
Today is an exception, I suppose.
Thoughts come at the most unexpected times--in between bites of a carrot, I put the pieces together of an issue over which I've been puzzling for a while: what I think about the church as an institution and how it relates to my own spirituality. In consuming food, I also registered thoughts.
A week or so before finding a church home in New Haven at the Elm City Vineyard, I was at the airport watching the news about Ferguson and waiting for a connecting flight to Hartford, Connecticut. My spirit must have known that I needed to be in a community that actively addressed issues of racism, because both YDS and ECV turned out to be such places.
As an East Asian-American headed to a university that elevated my status within my demographic, it was crucial that I be aware of privileges of race. Coming from a largely Asian and white context, where black issues were often dismissed, I needed to bring racial issues to the forefront of my spiritual formation. I needed for my church home to have black leaders, and I needed to learn from black academics. I found what I needed in New Haven. Josh Williams, Julian Reid, Clarence Hardy, and Allen Reynolds will forever hold a dear place in my formation as a spiritual academic.
Seasons shift by and by, and as I look ahead to Boston and lament what happened in Orlando, I am compelled by the desire--the need--to seek a new church home that is open and affirming. Preferably with a woman as its lead pastor, too. These were things that the Elm City Vineyard did not have, and that's ok.
I'll be visiting a church in Boston on Sunday, I think. If it works out, I'd like to visit Reservoir Church, which began as a Vineyard Church but then became independent in order to be an open and affirming spiritual home for the queer community. Their leadership is very co-ed, and I need that. There are Asian women in leadership, and I've been yearning for that.
YDS and ECV were led by mostly white and black leaders, from whom I learned a lot and who I respect deeply. But I need to be led by someone who looks like me now, so it's time to move on.
Peter Hawkins, one of the professors who was on my trip to the Baltics with the Institute of Sacred Music, made a comment about my impending move: "Boston is a great place for a young Asian-American female."
New Haven was not.
I got what I needed from this season at Yale. It was important, and it's also time to move on.
I end with my Facebook status from today:
Orlando has been on my mind all week, but the lament has been too deep for words until now.
Jesus wept. Jesus weeps.
God is love. God loves.
The Spirit is moving amidst the pain, and we need to get on board.
Lord, have mercy.
Running Thoughts
I left my phone at home this morning and went on a run.
I hadn't been awake for too long, so I had to work up to it.
I walked over to Edgerton Park, taking in the cheery neighborhood gardens with squirrels and birds going about their business--and landscapers putting in bright flowers. Once inside the park, I found a shaded spot under two tall pine trees and stretched.
I exited the park and began running.
There is a small wooded area by the river that runs under East Rock. My run took me there, and soon I entered the woods by dirt path and slowed down to a walk. At the wooden bridge that spans the river, I sat down and did some stretches and sit-ups.
It's surprising how close to the city one can find refuge in nature. There were storks upon storks--white birds with large wings and long legs.
Eventually I found my way home again, and came upon my neighbor moving in to the cottage next to the church. Together, we carried a few boxes up, and then I was home.
My heart has been overwhelmingly burdened by the horrific atmosphere in our nation this week. Orlando is just the part of the iceberg that happened to have exploded most recently. As a whole, things underneath the surface are not much better.
I've thought about deactivating my Facebook for a while, but have decided that to do so would be a form of escape from the world.
What I have tried to do is to be less introspective, for now.
Instead, I seek to observe nature, to savor food, and to catch up on sleep and exercise.
I hung out with friends last night, and that was nice. The US played Ecuador, and we watched the game at an Irish Pub. All guys, housemates of my kind-eyed friend. And me, the only person who still plays soccer.
I've been asking the Lord to give me a ministry to call my own someday. Something that I can partner with Jesus to give my time and heart to while on earth.
I spoke with my former prayer pastor over the phone the other day, and that was encouraging. She's an Asian woman in pastoral leadership, married to a younger man and the mother of 2 awesome kids. She's a wonderful host, keeps a clean home, and loves hiking. I've never identified more with any other pastor in my life.
There is something profound going on in the heavens. Spiritual battles manifest themselves in earthly horrors, and Orlando is no exception.
Eschatologically, there may be a shift coming, and the Church needs to get on board with LGBTQI issues and become open and affirming.
Slavery and women's rights were battles of past centuries. They still go on today, in parts of the world that I often forget about.
But sexuality is a storm that's been a long time coming, and I'm expectant for Jesus to show up in the midst of a messy topic that divides and wounds.
Come, Lord Jesus, come!
I hadn't been awake for too long, so I had to work up to it.
I walked over to Edgerton Park, taking in the cheery neighborhood gardens with squirrels and birds going about their business--and landscapers putting in bright flowers. Once inside the park, I found a shaded spot under two tall pine trees and stretched.
I exited the park and began running.
There is a small wooded area by the river that runs under East Rock. My run took me there, and soon I entered the woods by dirt path and slowed down to a walk. At the wooden bridge that spans the river, I sat down and did some stretches and sit-ups.
It's surprising how close to the city one can find refuge in nature. There were storks upon storks--white birds with large wings and long legs.
Eventually I found my way home again, and came upon my neighbor moving in to the cottage next to the church. Together, we carried a few boxes up, and then I was home.
My heart has been overwhelmingly burdened by the horrific atmosphere in our nation this week. Orlando is just the part of the iceberg that happened to have exploded most recently. As a whole, things underneath the surface are not much better.
I've thought about deactivating my Facebook for a while, but have decided that to do so would be a form of escape from the world.
What I have tried to do is to be less introspective, for now.
Instead, I seek to observe nature, to savor food, and to catch up on sleep and exercise.
I hung out with friends last night, and that was nice. The US played Ecuador, and we watched the game at an Irish Pub. All guys, housemates of my kind-eyed friend. And me, the only person who still plays soccer.
I've been asking the Lord to give me a ministry to call my own someday. Something that I can partner with Jesus to give my time and heart to while on earth.
I spoke with my former prayer pastor over the phone the other day, and that was encouraging. She's an Asian woman in pastoral leadership, married to a younger man and the mother of 2 awesome kids. She's a wonderful host, keeps a clean home, and loves hiking. I've never identified more with any other pastor in my life.
There is something profound going on in the heavens. Spiritual battles manifest themselves in earthly horrors, and Orlando is no exception.
Eschatologically, there may be a shift coming, and the Church needs to get on board with LGBTQI issues and become open and affirming.
Slavery and women's rights were battles of past centuries. They still go on today, in parts of the world that I often forget about.
But sexuality is a storm that's been a long time coming, and I'm expectant for Jesus to show up in the midst of a messy topic that divides and wounds.
Come, Lord Jesus, come!
Farewells to Friends
We said goodbye to the Harrises last night.
I still remember meeting the group at church, discovering we were all Divinity students, and exchanging numbers. I remember forming a prayer group, called the Imposters, and meeting once every two weeks throughout our first year. I remember thinking how white everyone in the group was--and how specifically Assemblies of God their outlook on Christianity was.
I've always been able to adjust to people I'm around, and to fit in somehow. The Imposters was just one of many social groups I had in New Haven, and I was grateful for them.
It's been a while since we've been together. I was insanely busy this school year, and they all joined homegroups and didn't need as much support anymore.
Last night, we shared some highlights and memories from the past two years, and we did what our friendship was formed around: we prayed.
I'm dating an Imposter now, much to my surprise, and it's so interesting to look back and remember how much like a brother he felt in the beginning. A fellow student, prayer partner, and a kind-eyed friend, but nothing else.
After all, what did someone like me have to do with white Assemblies of God folk?
The Spirit knits hearts together, I suppose.
May we continue to follow their leading (yes, I'm making the Spirit transgender, per the current progressive trend) as our paths branch out from New Haven, with 2 of us staying for one more year of Divinity school, 2 of us moving to Ohio to teach in a Christian school, and my kind-eyed friend and I most likely moving in opposite directions--me moving north to Boston to direct international students, and he looking south to Princeton to pastor young adults.
I'm excited for us all. We're no longer Imposters at Yale, but alumni of a place we learned to call home together. Cheers!
I still remember meeting the group at church, discovering we were all Divinity students, and exchanging numbers. I remember forming a prayer group, called the Imposters, and meeting once every two weeks throughout our first year. I remember thinking how white everyone in the group was--and how specifically Assemblies of God their outlook on Christianity was.
I've always been able to adjust to people I'm around, and to fit in somehow. The Imposters was just one of many social groups I had in New Haven, and I was grateful for them.
It's been a while since we've been together. I was insanely busy this school year, and they all joined homegroups and didn't need as much support anymore.
Last night, we shared some highlights and memories from the past two years, and we did what our friendship was formed around: we prayed.
I'm dating an Imposter now, much to my surprise, and it's so interesting to look back and remember how much like a brother he felt in the beginning. A fellow student, prayer partner, and a kind-eyed friend, but nothing else.
After all, what did someone like me have to do with white Assemblies of God folk?
The Spirit knits hearts together, I suppose.
May we continue to follow their leading (yes, I'm making the Spirit transgender, per the current progressive trend) as our paths branch out from New Haven, with 2 of us staying for one more year of Divinity school, 2 of us moving to Ohio to teach in a Christian school, and my kind-eyed friend and I most likely moving in opposite directions--me moving north to Boston to direct international students, and he looking south to Princeton to pastor young adults.
I'm excited for us all. We're no longer Imposters at Yale, but alumni of a place we learned to call home together. Cheers!
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Letters to Loved Ones
Jesus, I don't know how to even begin processing what happened in Orlando. Every day I read others' posts on Facebook, and I just feel more numb and more helpless. It makes me want to hide from humanity altogether.
Lord, thank you for providing employment so quickly after graduation! I don't think I'm quite cool enough to live in Boston, but I think I can rise to the occasion. If you've provided me with a job, I trust that you'll also provide me with housing.
Holy Spirit, guide me in the way I should go. There is a calling beyond employment, and a ministry beyond vocation. As well, a kind-eyed friend whom you've placed in my life for this season...
St. Petersburg, Natasha is thankful she got to visit you. What a magical place.
Finland, you were a bit too chic for me, but I wish you all the best.
Tallin, you charmed my heart and I'll remember you fondly.
Bethesda House, it's been real. Cheers to the handsome roommate who never did his chores but got away with it anyway. To the liaison who also disliked chores and always left the lights on. To the boys who learned how to cook and were more willing than the rest to do chores. And to Pastor Tim, who made it all happen and who I've come to like quite a lot.
To YDS, it's been real as well. I gave you 200%, and I'm ready to move on. Thanks for letting me come study for free, and good luck--you'll need it!
To the ISM, you aren't as amazing as you think, but I'm grateful for the chance to transfer in during my final year and have expenses paid for. Thank you for taking me to the Baltics.
To my girlfriends who both crave and give unconditional love and care, that's real. Men are poor substitutes for love, and love can be found in so many other places and ways. I hope you always know how worth it you are, and how not worth the time most relationships with men are.
To my guy friends, I love you all. Polyamory is a thing, but in my world it's a celibate thing. I will always love the men in my life, even though they are far from perfect.
To my queer friends, you understand love and humanity in a way that I want to. I celebrate you, and I can't even imagine what something like Orlando must feel like.
To the U.S.--I didn't miss you at all when I was abroad. You're a fucking mess, and Lord have mercy on us all!
To New Haven--I did miss you when I was away. I can't wait to make love to you for one month before I leave you.
To my church home in New Haven--it's been good. I'm ready to leave, but I'll always owe a tremendous amount of spiritual growth to your grounding and consistent presence in my life over the last 2 years.
To my home group--you've been family. I'll miss you, and I truly wish you all the best.
Love,
Natasha
Lord, thank you for providing employment so quickly after graduation! I don't think I'm quite cool enough to live in Boston, but I think I can rise to the occasion. If you've provided me with a job, I trust that you'll also provide me with housing.
Holy Spirit, guide me in the way I should go. There is a calling beyond employment, and a ministry beyond vocation. As well, a kind-eyed friend whom you've placed in my life for this season...
St. Petersburg, Natasha is thankful she got to visit you. What a magical place.
Finland, you were a bit too chic for me, but I wish you all the best.
Tallin, you charmed my heart and I'll remember you fondly.
Bethesda House, it's been real. Cheers to the handsome roommate who never did his chores but got away with it anyway. To the liaison who also disliked chores and always left the lights on. To the boys who learned how to cook and were more willing than the rest to do chores. And to Pastor Tim, who made it all happen and who I've come to like quite a lot.
To YDS, it's been real as well. I gave you 200%, and I'm ready to move on. Thanks for letting me come study for free, and good luck--you'll need it!
To the ISM, you aren't as amazing as you think, but I'm grateful for the chance to transfer in during my final year and have expenses paid for. Thank you for taking me to the Baltics.
To my girlfriends who both crave and give unconditional love and care, that's real. Men are poor substitutes for love, and love can be found in so many other places and ways. I hope you always know how worth it you are, and how not worth the time most relationships with men are.
To my guy friends, I love you all. Polyamory is a thing, but in my world it's a celibate thing. I will always love the men in my life, even though they are far from perfect.
To my queer friends, you understand love and humanity in a way that I want to. I celebrate you, and I can't even imagine what something like Orlando must feel like.
To the U.S.--I didn't miss you at all when I was abroad. You're a fucking mess, and Lord have mercy on us all!
To New Haven--I did miss you when I was away. I can't wait to make love to you for one month before I leave you.
To my church home in New Haven--it's been good. I'm ready to leave, but I'll always owe a tremendous amount of spiritual growth to your grounding and consistent presence in my life over the last 2 years.
To my home group--you've been family. I'll miss you, and I truly wish you all the best.
Love,
Natasha
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