When I was 16, I fell in love with Yale.
I don't quite remember how it happened, but somehow, I decided that it was my dream school--and that I wanted to come.
Of course, it helped that a guy I had a crush on (and who was 2 years ahead of me in high school) came here and not only wrote me about it--the Harry Potter-esque dining hall, the cozy suites with fireplaces--but also encouraged me to apply. But I can honestly say that somehow I wanted to come to Yale without even really knowing why.
Life had other things in store. I ended up skipping senior year of college to attend a local university, where my dad taught. Academics, which had been my strong suit growing up, seemed more difficult, and I diverted a lot of my energy towards spiritual development, getting very involved in my campus fellowship. I decided that academic achievement came secondary to spiritual things.
And so my path took a turn towards the helping profession, leading me to become a Board-Certified music therapist and to learn about humanity rather than studying the humanities. I managed to get a master's degree and obtain good grades, but academia no longer appealed to me, and I was more interested in saving the world, getting married, and raising a family.
The Yale dream never quite went away, though. At one point, when I was a 25 and pondering engagement to a boyfriend, I fantasized about coming to Yale Law School. Law school is one of the few graduate programs with no undergraduate major requirements, and many music majors eventually go to law school because of this. I thought I had a fair chance.
Again, life took over. I broke up with my boyfriend and was having to work full-time in the San Francisco Bay Area to support myself. There was no time or money for application essays or fees. I experienced some pretty profound spiritual encounters--ones that were probably baby-steps towards what many women mystics from the Middle Ages have written about. Academics fell by the wayside again, and it would be another few years before it called my name again.
It is now 2016, and in three months, I will graduate from Yale Divinity School at the age of 30. Life finally allowed me to meet the school of my dreams, and to combine both academic and spiritual interests into one graduate degree. Twelve years passed between me falling in love with Yale (from a distance) and finally meeting her. From the first actual glance of the institution to the consummation of my degree, it's been a flow-burning love that is now past its honeymoon phase. But this love has been true, and faithful. Long have I waited to call myself a Yalie, and I will never stop being grateful for the chance to do so.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
A Letter to my Ex
When we broke up nearly four years ago, you wrote, saying, "Thank you for three years of laughter and tears." You're welcome. It was my pleasure--and my pain. Thank you.
Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that's what dating is for. At the end of the day, if two individuals try to respect each other and the process, falling in (and out) of love with a person can transform and grow your heart.
Toxic relationships, however--or relationships in which there is an unequal power dynamic--can cause lasting damage. And there is far too much of that going on in the world for my comfort. Breaking someone's heart is sometimes unavoidable, but it's another thing to wound someone's spirit or sense of self-worth.
It was honestly the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't know if anything or anyone will ever top it. What's more--I don't think I want anything or anyone to top it. I want it to be something special that I shared only with you and don't repeat with someone else.
The flowers. The jewelry. The nice restaurants. A first date in New York City. A second first date in San Francisco. Taking flights to see each other. What more could a girl want?
Life happens. Eternity matters. People outgrow those they date. It's never quite happily ever after. But the "after" matters. How we process a relationship, its end, and its consequences determines how we remember what happened and move forward.
I have not seen you since that last day, when we had dinner at Sizzler's after boating on the lake--and got into a minor fender bender right before learning that your grandpa in China was in critical condition. We parted without really resolving things, but time eventually does heal wounds.
When you consider marriage with someone, you consider joining your family to theirs. Your career to theirs, your calling to theirs. Marriage is a vocation, and it must be compatible with the other vocations in your life. Dating is a calling, too, and I have no doubt that I was called to date my ex from 2009-2012.
I'll never forget you, because dating you changed my life.
Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that's what dating is for. At the end of the day, if two individuals try to respect each other and the process, falling in (and out) of love with a person can transform and grow your heart.
Toxic relationships, however--or relationships in which there is an unequal power dynamic--can cause lasting damage. And there is far too much of that going on in the world for my comfort. Breaking someone's heart is sometimes unavoidable, but it's another thing to wound someone's spirit or sense of self-worth.
It was honestly the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't know if anything or anyone will ever top it. What's more--I don't think I want anything or anyone to top it. I want it to be something special that I shared only with you and don't repeat with someone else.
The flowers. The jewelry. The nice restaurants. A first date in New York City. A second first date in San Francisco. Taking flights to see each other. What more could a girl want?
Life happens. Eternity matters. People outgrow those they date. It's never quite happily ever after. But the "after" matters. How we process a relationship, its end, and its consequences determines how we remember what happened and move forward.
I have not seen you since that last day, when we had dinner at Sizzler's after boating on the lake--and got into a minor fender bender right before learning that your grandpa in China was in critical condition. We parted without really resolving things, but time eventually does heal wounds.
When you consider marriage with someone, you consider joining your family to theirs. Your career to theirs, your calling to theirs. Marriage is a vocation, and it must be compatible with the other vocations in your life. Dating is a calling, too, and I have no doubt that I was called to date my ex from 2009-2012.
I'll never forget you, because dating you changed my life.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Justice Issues
http://voicesofny.org/2016/02/shock-in-chinese-community-over-liang-conviction/#.Vr_oPsTvnts.facebook
As my friend put it: "White cop intentionally shoots and kills unarmed black man, gets off the hook. Chinese cop's gun accidentally discharges, ricochets and kills unarmed black man, found guilty of manslaughter and faces 15 years in prison. Don't tell me race isn't part of this."
Scapegoating is a thing, and I'm tired of Asians not having a voice in this tense black-and-white binary that is the East Coast.
As my friend put it: "White cop intentionally shoots and kills unarmed black man, gets off the hook. Chinese cop's gun accidentally discharges, ricochets and kills unarmed black man, found guilty of manslaughter and faces 15 years in prison. Don't tell me race isn't part of this."
Scapegoating is a thing, and I'm tired of Asians not having a voice in this tense black-and-white binary that is the East Coast.
Things I Love
My lovely day has ended well.
After a huge breakfast, I got to read/study for my Christian Art & Architecture class. If you're going to do schoolwork on a Sunday, at least let it be looking at beautiful pictures of masterpieces while the sun shines in through the dining room windows!
I got to call a friend who lives in Berlin--she was an exchange student at YDS last year. We have this crazy chemistry of laughing unstoppably and very loudly when we're together. We must have laughed for about 20 minutes over the phone today!
I witnessed my housemate get flowers for the first time. That definitely brought back fond memories of when I got beautiful bouquets from various guys in various seasons of my life. Young love is an exciting thing!
In the afternoon, I went to church and sang my heart out during worship. God spoke to me a lot during the service, and I'm still processing it all. We had a Lenten dinner as a congregation afterwards, and that was nice, too!
After that, I went swing and blues dancing, just a few blocks away! I haven't been out dancing in months, and it did me good.
All's well that ends well, and I am ready to go to bed!
After a huge breakfast, I got to read/study for my Christian Art & Architecture class. If you're going to do schoolwork on a Sunday, at least let it be looking at beautiful pictures of masterpieces while the sun shines in through the dining room windows!
I got to call a friend who lives in Berlin--she was an exchange student at YDS last year. We have this crazy chemistry of laughing unstoppably and very loudly when we're together. We must have laughed for about 20 minutes over the phone today!
I witnessed my housemate get flowers for the first time. That definitely brought back fond memories of when I got beautiful bouquets from various guys in various seasons of my life. Young love is an exciting thing!
In the afternoon, I went to church and sang my heart out during worship. God spoke to me a lot during the service, and I'm still processing it all. We had a Lenten dinner as a congregation afterwards, and that was nice, too!
After that, I went swing and blues dancing, just a few blocks away! I haven't been out dancing in months, and it did me good.
All's well that ends well, and I am ready to go to bed!
A Lovely Day
The student life is a sedentary one. Theological inquiry is one that energizes. The two combined means that I often have pent-up energy that has nowhere to go, and this sometimes means that I have trouble unwinding at night and falling asleep.
Yesterday, I was determined to do physical things to expend that energy. I practiced violin for an hour. I scrubbed the bathtub and mopped the floor. I cooked for the week.
I slept like a log last night and woke up this morning on top of the world.
Breakfast was lovely. The morning sunlight, reflected by snow outside into our dining room was cheerful. It was really, really, cold outside, but inside the heating system was working diligently to keep me cozy. I made eggs with onions, mushrooms, and tomatoes; I sipped spiced chai tea; and I'm still trying to finish my toast and a brownie.
There were flowers on the table, and I was in the person whose company I enjoy the most--myself!
I'm happy for those couples who are celebrating, but I'm even more thankful for the many friends in my life who are not romantic. I had a chance to call a girlfriend from home last night, and to text another. Platonic friendships over the years have shaped me as much as the romantic ones. And I am grateful.
It's been a lovely day so far, at 10:10 am. Looking forward to the rest of it!
Yesterday, I was determined to do physical things to expend that energy. I practiced violin for an hour. I scrubbed the bathtub and mopped the floor. I cooked for the week.
I slept like a log last night and woke up this morning on top of the world.
Breakfast was lovely. The morning sunlight, reflected by snow outside into our dining room was cheerful. It was really, really, cold outside, but inside the heating system was working diligently to keep me cozy. I made eggs with onions, mushrooms, and tomatoes; I sipped spiced chai tea; and I'm still trying to finish my toast and a brownie.
There were flowers on the table, and I was in the person whose company I enjoy the most--myself!
I'm happy for those couples who are celebrating, but I'm even more thankful for the many friends in my life who are not romantic. I had a chance to call a girlfriend from home last night, and to text another. Platonic friendships over the years have shaped me as much as the romantic ones. And I am grateful.
It's been a lovely day so far, at 10:10 am. Looking forward to the rest of it!
Proud to be a Feminist
In college, I refused to identify as a feminist. It just seemed like a buzzword that everybody was using to sound cool. I wanted kids and a family, and I believed some rather "fundamentalist" things about marriage and submission. I was truly trying to follow God's truth back then, and I took a lot of crap for standing my ground.
Now that I'm 30, I know for sure that I am a feminist. Personal experiences, theological explorations, and discussions with my family have led to this "change." I've come to value women and the importance of empowering women to live with freedom and courage. More importantly, I believe that God is a feminist.
I've become much happier after adjusting my theological views about women in the church and in society. It's actually freed me up to become more vulnerable, giving, and humble. And I don't resent male privilege as much anymore--or use passive-aggressive ways to combat it. My friendships with men have become deeper and richer.
You see, feminism doesn't just empower women--it encourages and inspires men, too. The most important men in my life appreciate that I am a strong woman and both support me and ask for my support. It's not a competition between the sexes.* It's a way of mutual encouragement and inspiration.
I'm proud to be a feminist--are you?
*I recognize that not everyone falls into the gender binary. At YDS I have become more aware of Trans-issues, but I still need to learn more before writing about them. For now, I just want to acknowledge my own limitations in writing--I'm still very much influenced by the framework of either female or male.
Now that I'm 30, I know for sure that I am a feminist. Personal experiences, theological explorations, and discussions with my family have led to this "change." I've come to value women and the importance of empowering women to live with freedom and courage. More importantly, I believe that God is a feminist.
I've become much happier after adjusting my theological views about women in the church and in society. It's actually freed me up to become more vulnerable, giving, and humble. And I don't resent male privilege as much anymore--or use passive-aggressive ways to combat it. My friendships with men have become deeper and richer.
You see, feminism doesn't just empower women--it encourages and inspires men, too. The most important men in my life appreciate that I am a strong woman and both support me and ask for my support. It's not a competition between the sexes.* It's a way of mutual encouragement and inspiration.
I'm proud to be a feminist--are you?
*I recognize that not everyone falls into the gender binary. At YDS I have become more aware of Trans-issues, but I still need to learn more before writing about them. For now, I just want to acknowledge my own limitations in writing--I'm still very much influenced by the framework of either female or male.
Proud to be a Pentecostal
When asked what my "particular faith tradition is" at YDS, I often resort to "non-Denominational Protestant." More specifically, "basically Evangelical with some Charismatic things mixed in."
The more I journey through faith in this context, though, the more I feel like identifying as a Pentecostal. There really is something about including the third member of the Trinity--the Holy Spirit--that is very important.
I've always been in tune with some of the more "Spirit-filled" aspects of faith--and even had prophetic inclinations in certain seasons. Grounded in Scripture, faith that follows the Spirit and emphasizes the love of Jesus is a good thing.
I don't know if I could have survived YDS without my fellow Pentecostals, with whom I've prayed and shared many meals. It's so nice to have this as a "home base," even as I have absolutely loved the ecumenism of YDS and the chance to be around mainline Protestants and more high-church liturgy.
Perhaps the next time someone asks me what denomination I belong to, I might just say, "I'm Pentecostal!"
The more I journey through faith in this context, though, the more I feel like identifying as a Pentecostal. There really is something about including the third member of the Trinity--the Holy Spirit--that is very important.
I've always been in tune with some of the more "Spirit-filled" aspects of faith--and even had prophetic inclinations in certain seasons. Grounded in Scripture, faith that follows the Spirit and emphasizes the love of Jesus is a good thing.
I don't know if I could have survived YDS without my fellow Pentecostals, with whom I've prayed and shared many meals. It's so nice to have this as a "home base," even as I have absolutely loved the ecumenism of YDS and the chance to be around mainline Protestants and more high-church liturgy.
Perhaps the next time someone asks me what denomination I belong to, I might just say, "I'm Pentecostal!"
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Lent
It's Lent, and on Ash Wednesday, I gave a presentation about music therapy as ritual for the end of life. It's Valentine's Weekend, and I'm remembering my grandma and mourning the loss of her life.
This week could not be more meaningful, and I end this post with these words, spoken in churches over those receiving the mark of the cross on their foreheads at the beginning of Lent:
Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.
Amen.
This week could not be more meaningful, and I end this post with these words, spoken in churches over those receiving the mark of the cross on their foreheads at the beginning of Lent:
Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.
Amen.
Remembering Grandma
My grandma was a very strong woman, with a sense of humor and an appetite for adventure. I inherited some of her spirit, and I am going to remember her this weekend by giving thanks for the life I have. That she passed away (a year ago) during Valentine's weekend makes the holiday very special. 啊嬤，我愛你！
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| July 2014 |
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| One of Grandma's favorite views, from 楊明山 |
Friday, February 12, 2016
Flowers for Valentine's Weekend
It's Valentine's Weekend, and I got flowers from a man today.
No, he isn't a romantic interest. In fact, he's married and has kids in college. Pastor Tim, at whose church I live (along with other Divinity School students, in an intentional community) got me flowers to congratulate me on my presentation this week.
Given what I've been blogging about this week, I thought it was such a coincidence!
What an honor to receive such an encouraging gesture--and once again, I'm humbled.
It just honestly feels SO good to have my work--over which I spent hundreds of hours, it seems--appreciated and acknowledged. And what beautiful flowers! Pink, simple, and just enough to brighten up our dining room. I smile when I think of them =)
No, he isn't a romantic interest. In fact, he's married and has kids in college. Pastor Tim, at whose church I live (along with other Divinity School students, in an intentional community) got me flowers to congratulate me on my presentation this week.
Given what I've been blogging about this week, I thought it was such a coincidence!
What an honor to receive such an encouraging gesture--and once again, I'm humbled.
It just honestly feels SO good to have my work--over which I spent hundreds of hours, it seems--appreciated and acknowledged. And what beautiful flowers! Pink, simple, and just enough to brighten up our dining room. I smile when I think of them =)
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Accomplishments
It was interesting to come across this HuffPost article last night, as I was winding down from my Presentation Day. I've written a post expressing something similar before, so it was good to read someone else's thoughts on the topic: Getting Married is Not an Accomplishment.
Academic or professional achievements are.
I suppose I'm still reveling a bit in the success of my presentation. It's just such a nice thing to feel that your work has paid off--and to have others acknowledge and appreciate it. I spent way too many hours (from December through February) obsessively perfecting my presentation script, and in thirty minutes, the whole thing was over. Even two years ago, I could never have imagined that I'd be able to give a successful public presentation at Yale. Yesterday, I did, and I feel as if I truly contributed to the academic, musical, and spiritual discussion and richness of the community.
When it really comes down to it, though, even that is not my accomplishment.
I believe in God's work in and through us. We do things together with God--and only with His help. That I got through the presentation smoothly--I stumbled over words a lot during rehearsals and my coaching session--is His grace. The generous reception by the ISM audience--which is usually a tough crowd--is His favor.
Too, I had the generosity of several professors and professionals, whose insights, instruction, and interviews contributed to the formation of my project.
So, at the end of the day, nothing we accomplish is really our own. What a humbling thought--but one that frees us to want to do better and to live in community, with people's help, with joy!
Academic or professional achievements are.
I suppose I'm still reveling a bit in the success of my presentation. It's just such a nice thing to feel that your work has paid off--and to have others acknowledge and appreciate it. I spent way too many hours (from December through February) obsessively perfecting my presentation script, and in thirty minutes, the whole thing was over. Even two years ago, I could never have imagined that I'd be able to give a successful public presentation at Yale. Yesterday, I did, and I feel as if I truly contributed to the academic, musical, and spiritual discussion and richness of the community.
When it really comes down to it, though, even that is not my accomplishment.
I believe in God's work in and through us. We do things together with God--and only with His help. That I got through the presentation smoothly--I stumbled over words a lot during rehearsals and my coaching session--is His grace. The generous reception by the ISM audience--which is usually a tough crowd--is His favor.
Too, I had the generosity of several professors and professionals, whose insights, instruction, and interviews contributed to the formation of my project.
So, at the end of the day, nothing we accomplish is really our own. What a humbling thought--but one that frees us to want to do better and to live in community, with people's help, with joy!
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
It is Finished!
My ISM presentation could not have gone any better, and I am so humbled and grateful for the outpouring of support I have received.
It was so nice to have dinner with friends afterwards, too.
My heart is full =)
It was so nice to have dinner with friends afterwards, too.
My heart is full =)
Some YDS Context
Sometimes it's hard for people on the West Coast to understand racial tensions that abound at YDS. Perhaps the follow 2 links will help:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyGfy7DDGpY
http://yaledailynews.com/blog/2016/02/10/timm-inequality-on-the-yds-walls/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyGfy7DDGpY
http://yaledailynews.com/blog/2016/02/10/timm-inequality-on-the-yds-walls/
This is the Day that the Lord has Made
The day is finally here--I give my presentation at the Institute of Sacred Music Colloquium this afternoon.
They didn't let me in the first time, this mysterious institution that we call the ISM. I was waitlisted, and met plenty of folks in it who felt that I deserved the spot. So I reapplied and was able to transfer in my second year--and have enjoyed the (ridiculously luxurious) perks of additional funding and a free trip to the Baltics in a few months.
It seems that several of the people I have invited will be able to attend my presentation--Katherine Blossom, Arts Director at Connecticut Hospice, whom I interviewed for my project; Kyle Skinner, a doctoral candidate at Yale who taught my ritual studies course last semester; Pastor Tim from Bethesda Lutheran Church, where I live; and peers and staff from the Divinity School who are not in the ISM.
Afterwards, there will be a dinner to celebrate the completion of this (major) ISM requirement before I graduate, hosted by two very good friends.
Even as I look forward to this afternoon--rather, to this afternoon being finished--I revel in some good news from yesterday. My spiritual director, whom I met through the Elm City Vineyard, is now in the process of being incorporated into the list of paid (by the school and not students) Spiritual Directors at YDS! All it took was a few emails on my part to link her up with the right people, and the rest fell into place. This means that, finally, we'll have someone more Evangelical (even Pentecostal!) on our Spiritual Formation team.
This winter has been kind to me, and I'm grateful. It's a season of rest after battle, and the fruits of our labors are slowly seeping out in unexpected corners. I attended a birthday party last night, with friends of all colors, shapes and sizes. Some of the most conflict-ridden relationships from last semester were there, and we were able to come around our friend who has been a peacemaker and my advocate (when others have unfairly accused me).
So I'm grateful, and humbled by Grace.
I've gone the extra mile to work towards reconciliation (especially between races) at YDS, and the climate is slowly changing, the tension gradually melting away. I've prayed for the Asian students to finally sit up and speak up, and it seems that they are becoming more visible and active this semester. All last year, I whispered (or groaned), "Lord, have mercy" upon waking up, and it seems that He has. He takes forever to respond sometimes, but when He does, it's perfect.
This is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it!
They didn't let me in the first time, this mysterious institution that we call the ISM. I was waitlisted, and met plenty of folks in it who felt that I deserved the spot. So I reapplied and was able to transfer in my second year--and have enjoyed the (ridiculously luxurious) perks of additional funding and a free trip to the Baltics in a few months.
It seems that several of the people I have invited will be able to attend my presentation--Katherine Blossom, Arts Director at Connecticut Hospice, whom I interviewed for my project; Kyle Skinner, a doctoral candidate at Yale who taught my ritual studies course last semester; Pastor Tim from Bethesda Lutheran Church, where I live; and peers and staff from the Divinity School who are not in the ISM.
Afterwards, there will be a dinner to celebrate the completion of this (major) ISM requirement before I graduate, hosted by two very good friends.
Even as I look forward to this afternoon--rather, to this afternoon being finished--I revel in some good news from yesterday. My spiritual director, whom I met through the Elm City Vineyard, is now in the process of being incorporated into the list of paid (by the school and not students) Spiritual Directors at YDS! All it took was a few emails on my part to link her up with the right people, and the rest fell into place. This means that, finally, we'll have someone more Evangelical (even Pentecostal!) on our Spiritual Formation team.
This winter has been kind to me, and I'm grateful. It's a season of rest after battle, and the fruits of our labors are slowly seeping out in unexpected corners. I attended a birthday party last night, with friends of all colors, shapes and sizes. Some of the most conflict-ridden relationships from last semester were there, and we were able to come around our friend who has been a peacemaker and my advocate (when others have unfairly accused me).
So I'm grateful, and humbled by Grace.
I've gone the extra mile to work towards reconciliation (especially between races) at YDS, and the climate is slowly changing, the tension gradually melting away. I've prayed for the Asian students to finally sit up and speak up, and it seems that they are becoming more visible and active this semester. All last year, I whispered (or groaned), "Lord, have mercy" upon waking up, and it seems that He has. He takes forever to respond sometimes, but when He does, it's perfect.
This is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it!
Monday, February 8, 2016
Arvo Pärt and White Wine
We had a "snow day" of sorts today--9:30 Old Testament was cancelled.
My 5 meetings, however, were not, and the last one (held in the Law School) ended at 9 pm. Due to snow, I was unable to walk or drive downtown as normal, so I took a shuttle to and from the Law School.
When there is no sun and the snow blows around in little pellets, you cover your face with a hat and use an umbrella for a shield. Walking back and forth to the Divinity School in this kind of weather requires placing one foot in front of the other and looking only a few feet ahead at a time.
Back home, I am unwinding with some Arvo Pärt and white wine. The day hasn't been particularly stressful, but I need it. My stomach has also been upset all day (thankfully, food has stayed down), so I figure the wine will help settle things.
Racial tensions at school have calmed down, but it also (unfortunately) means that activism has gone away. It's as if the snow has blanketed everybody into a fresh layer of whiteness.
With Lunar New Year in progress, I am reveling in being neither white nor black--but a liminal and ambiguous in-between. We feasted on dumplings and hot pot yesterday, students from all over the world--Iran, Hong Kong, China, Singapore, America, and the UK. I haven't eaten so happily in a while!
After the feast, I stopped by a Super Bowl party, hosted by my wonderful friend who is Latino. It's nice to have other friends who aren't part of the binary, and to experience this strange thing that is America with other voices for whom things aren't black and white.
Work is rolling along, and I'm also gearing up for my presentation at the Institute of Sacred Music on Wednesday. I have the best load of classes yet this semester, and couldn't be more pleased. Life is good, and I'm content.
29 saw me growing bold and busy. 30 has me settling into rest and comfort, and feeling like I've somehow "earned" it.
And so life goes on, liltingly, like Arvo Pärt's music, and cooly down the throat like white wine that's been refrigerated.
My 5 meetings, however, were not, and the last one (held in the Law School) ended at 9 pm. Due to snow, I was unable to walk or drive downtown as normal, so I took a shuttle to and from the Law School.
When there is no sun and the snow blows around in little pellets, you cover your face with a hat and use an umbrella for a shield. Walking back and forth to the Divinity School in this kind of weather requires placing one foot in front of the other and looking only a few feet ahead at a time.
Back home, I am unwinding with some Arvo Pärt and white wine. The day hasn't been particularly stressful, but I need it. My stomach has also been upset all day (thankfully, food has stayed down), so I figure the wine will help settle things.
Racial tensions at school have calmed down, but it also (unfortunately) means that activism has gone away. It's as if the snow has blanketed everybody into a fresh layer of whiteness.
With Lunar New Year in progress, I am reveling in being neither white nor black--but a liminal and ambiguous in-between. We feasted on dumplings and hot pot yesterday, students from all over the world--Iran, Hong Kong, China, Singapore, America, and the UK. I haven't eaten so happily in a while!
After the feast, I stopped by a Super Bowl party, hosted by my wonderful friend who is Latino. It's nice to have other friends who aren't part of the binary, and to experience this strange thing that is America with other voices for whom things aren't black and white.
Work is rolling along, and I'm also gearing up for my presentation at the Institute of Sacred Music on Wednesday. I have the best load of classes yet this semester, and couldn't be more pleased. Life is good, and I'm content.
29 saw me growing bold and busy. 30 has me settling into rest and comfort, and feeling like I've somehow "earned" it.
And so life goes on, liltingly, like Arvo Pärt's music, and cooly down the throat like white wine that's been refrigerated.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Sunday reflections
There was a blizzard on the weekend of my 30th birthday, and I realized I'd forgotten how to walk in snow. A second snow came this past Friday, and I felt like my feet did better this time, stomping in slush, treading carefully on ice, and having to move slower.
We forget things and remember them in ways that are both surprising and predictable. How is it that last year I found extra measures of patience for certain friends, only to grow tired of accommodating them over the summer and fighting to break emotional ties with them? How is it that, after a rather tense and tumultuous fall, winter has calmed my fiery need for independence, making me more willing to engage again in deeper conversation with those that used to drain me?
They say feelings are not to be trusted, and yet feelings are important signifiers for where we are at points in our lives.
It's Super Bowl Sunday, and I'm listening to music by Arvo Pärt on YouTube. It's also Chinese New Year, and black pride has never been stronger at YDS. Our world is complicated, intertwined, and downright stressful sometimes. I have always tried to be "all things to all people," supporting other students of color at the expense of my own Chinese identity, but this season I'm more content to hide inside my ethnicity and to try less hard to reach outside of it.
Maybe people appreciate you more when you act as you are expected. I've never been a "typical Chinese" person who stays out of conflict and hides what she thinks. I'm honest to a fault and not afraid to ruffle feathers. I ruffled quite a few last semester, and I got slammed for it.
My presence on campus has decreased (and been missed, I'm told), but I'm taking care of more important things now. I've given everything I had to the YDS Community, and now I'd like to invest more time in personal relationships that mean something to me.
This new orientation has given me more time and freedom to go out to coffee when asked. Dinner, even, once. And that's been nice. It's not as much about what I do for people right now. It's about who I am and where I came from--telling my story and asking people to listen. And that's what I need right now =)
We forget things and remember them in ways that are both surprising and predictable. How is it that last year I found extra measures of patience for certain friends, only to grow tired of accommodating them over the summer and fighting to break emotional ties with them? How is it that, after a rather tense and tumultuous fall, winter has calmed my fiery need for independence, making me more willing to engage again in deeper conversation with those that used to drain me?
They say feelings are not to be trusted, and yet feelings are important signifiers for where we are at points in our lives.
It's Super Bowl Sunday, and I'm listening to music by Arvo Pärt on YouTube. It's also Chinese New Year, and black pride has never been stronger at YDS. Our world is complicated, intertwined, and downright stressful sometimes. I have always tried to be "all things to all people," supporting other students of color at the expense of my own Chinese identity, but this season I'm more content to hide inside my ethnicity and to try less hard to reach outside of it.
Maybe people appreciate you more when you act as you are expected. I've never been a "typical Chinese" person who stays out of conflict and hides what she thinks. I'm honest to a fault and not afraid to ruffle feathers. I ruffled quite a few last semester, and I got slammed for it.
My presence on campus has decreased (and been missed, I'm told), but I'm taking care of more important things now. I've given everything I had to the YDS Community, and now I'd like to invest more time in personal relationships that mean something to me.
This new orientation has given me more time and freedom to go out to coffee when asked. Dinner, even, once. And that's been nice. It's not as much about what I do for people right now. It's about who I am and where I came from--telling my story and asking people to listen. And that's what I need right now =)
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