The lovely thing about being a part of a community that validates wider forms of sexuality than might normally be found in a local church is that deep hugs of healing and affection occur on a daily basis.
Several of my close friends here are married males, whose wives I know and totally respect and adore. Some of my most admired (s)heroes are fighting for the freedom to express same-sex love in a world that is still quite homophobic. Single people are not made to feel less adequate, because regardless of marital status, dating life, and sexuality, we are all students with something to learn and teach.
There is a way that this community celebrates the physical, emotional, and spiritual beauty of its members in ways that are non-threatening and that are expressions of love rather than exertions of power. There is an incredible freedom in this space to be who we were created to be--and to rejoice in others doing the same. This means that I can tell a friend how beautiful she looks, and ask how her same-sex partner is doing, and give a long hug--all in the same breath. This means that I can cuddle with my housemate's girlfriend, with him there, and rejoice that love is love, and hugs are healing.
Not quite so in the "real world," where society cares about status--marital, financial, and otherwise--more than about a person's core beauty. How can the Kin-dom of God be made manifest in my life after YDS?
I don't know, and I don't need to know now. May Jesus show me how best to channel His love to a world that shames sexuality, singleness, celibacy, faithfulness, chastity, and promiscuity. The bottom line is that we are sexual beings, with deep spiritual and emotional needs that are intricately woven in with our sexuality. Oh, we are broken, and I know that many things have gone awry in the course of the human narrative. I take Scripture seriously and still wonder how to reconcile my personal experiences with Paul's letters. But I won't give up on love, and I know that ultimately, love does conquer all.
Amen.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Liberation Theology for Single People
When I started dating someone seriously for the first time--this means that my parents and their friends knew about it, as opposed to something I was figuring out on my own or just with peers--my life changed.
Not only was I getting more attention than ever from one special person, but others around me were also constantly asking, blessing, and praising me for the "accomplishment" of finding someone. Apparently, just because I'd had great chemistry with a guy I met at the wedding of mutual friends, I had somehow "earned" a higher status in the eyes of society.
In the church, singleness is often framed as a time of preparing for marriage. We save ourselves so that we can offer ourselves to our mate. We serve the church so that we can one day love a family. And we're not "real adults"--or full-fledged members of church leadership--until we find another half.
Things completely changed when I decided not to be in a relationship anymore.
During the discernment process, adults told me, "This is as good as you'll ever get. If you don't take this opportunity, another one won't come along." The only time someone is allowed to give me such important advice is 1) If they have committed to praying for me regularly and 2) If they are willing to walk with me in the aftermath of the decision.
It is the most bizarre thing to be in a serious relationship (on and off) for a few years and then suddenly be thrust "back" into the world of singles. Married and dating couples no longer want to hang out with you. (So "let's go on a double date!" was more of an exercise in validating un-singleness than in truly spending quality time, after all.) Adults get on your case for being a failure in the relationship department. Nobody really asks you what actually happened and how it's affecting you.
I was glad to learn of a liberation theology for single people recently. Read more here.
Lately, the wounds of which I speak have healed more completely. It's been an uphill battle for the last few years, but I have found myself to be happier than I ever was when I was in a romantic relationship. Without looking for it, I have found myself having deep relationships with good guys, and now I invest more into friendship than in the idea of romance.
This is not to say that I will resist something if it develops, but I am more interested in building people up as a friend and encouraging them to follow their calling than in asking them to give particular attention to me. I am in a time of discernment right now, and the things I think about concern both marriage and vocation. Before things are made clear, I want to take time to say:
I promise to validate singles for the rest of my life. In sickness and health, in my own times of singleness and in my times of exploration with a potential partner. I promise to pray for the church and for our society, that individuals would be celebrated for who God has made them to be rather than the "status" they possess or have been given.
It breaks my heart to see the institution of marriage put on such a high pedestal at the expense of those who are outside of--or not benefitting from--it. This means gays, singles, divorced, unhappily married, domestically abused, and the polyamorous.
Love is for everyone, folks, and it's about time we started sharing it!
Not only was I getting more attention than ever from one special person, but others around me were also constantly asking, blessing, and praising me for the "accomplishment" of finding someone. Apparently, just because I'd had great chemistry with a guy I met at the wedding of mutual friends, I had somehow "earned" a higher status in the eyes of society.
In the church, singleness is often framed as a time of preparing for marriage. We save ourselves so that we can offer ourselves to our mate. We serve the church so that we can one day love a family. And we're not "real adults"--or full-fledged members of church leadership--until we find another half.
Things completely changed when I decided not to be in a relationship anymore.
During the discernment process, adults told me, "This is as good as you'll ever get. If you don't take this opportunity, another one won't come along." The only time someone is allowed to give me such important advice is 1) If they have committed to praying for me regularly and 2) If they are willing to walk with me in the aftermath of the decision.
It is the most bizarre thing to be in a serious relationship (on and off) for a few years and then suddenly be thrust "back" into the world of singles. Married and dating couples no longer want to hang out with you. (So "let's go on a double date!" was more of an exercise in validating un-singleness than in truly spending quality time, after all.) Adults get on your case for being a failure in the relationship department. Nobody really asks you what actually happened and how it's affecting you.
I was glad to learn of a liberation theology for single people recently. Read more here.
Lately, the wounds of which I speak have healed more completely. It's been an uphill battle for the last few years, but I have found myself to be happier than I ever was when I was in a romantic relationship. Without looking for it, I have found myself having deep relationships with good guys, and now I invest more into friendship than in the idea of romance.
This is not to say that I will resist something if it develops, but I am more interested in building people up as a friend and encouraging them to follow their calling than in asking them to give particular attention to me. I am in a time of discernment right now, and the things I think about concern both marriage and vocation. Before things are made clear, I want to take time to say:
I promise to validate singles for the rest of my life. In sickness and health, in my own times of singleness and in my times of exploration with a potential partner. I promise to pray for the church and for our society, that individuals would be celebrated for who God has made them to be rather than the "status" they possess or have been given.
It breaks my heart to see the institution of marriage put on such a high pedestal at the expense of those who are outside of--or not benefitting from--it. This means gays, singles, divorced, unhappily married, domestically abused, and the polyamorous.
Love is for everyone, folks, and it's about time we started sharing it!
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Jesus, Take the Wheel
It's been one of those weeks where Jesus has been in charge of my schedule.
From last Tuesday to last night--essentially, in the week that I've been back in New Haven and not traveling anymore--I had several unplanned and unexpected conversations with my close friends at YDS. God is definitely doing some serious work here!
At the end of the semester, when everything is due, one does not expect to find oneself immersed in heart-to-hearts about relationships, sex, power, Pentecostalism, speaking in tongues, fighting the devil, praying in the spirit, calling, pastoring, the role of Scripture for academic people, what to do when God stops speaking to you, family dynamics, trauma, or rape. But I've had them all.
And somehow, my work is still going to get done.
As the Country song goes: Jesus, take the wheel!
From last Tuesday to last night--essentially, in the week that I've been back in New Haven and not traveling anymore--I had several unplanned and unexpected conversations with my close friends at YDS. God is definitely doing some serious work here!
At the end of the semester, when everything is due, one does not expect to find oneself immersed in heart-to-hearts about relationships, sex, power, Pentecostalism, speaking in tongues, fighting the devil, praying in the spirit, calling, pastoring, the role of Scripture for academic people, what to do when God stops speaking to you, family dynamics, trauma, or rape. But I've had them all.
And somehow, my work is still going to get done.
As the Country song goes: Jesus, take the wheel!
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
All Hands on Deck
I've hit the ground running.
I got home at 1 am, slept at 2 am, and was back at school by noon today for lunch, class, and meetings.
In the evening, I ended up having some pretty urgent and powerful conversations with an assortment of friends here--from 5-10 pm! There are others I need to catch up with at some point, after being gone for 2 weekends in a row.
I have 4 weeks to write 4 papers and take 1 final. I'm Community Life Coordinator and Class Gift Officer, which means there are 3 big events to help plan before Graduation, and a LOT of emails and budgetary decisions to make.
How can I possibly spend quality time with my community here, keep in touch with friends back in California, and get all this work done?
It's gonna happen, and it won't be by my own strength.
In the meantime, I'm processing a ton of stuff related to career and calling:
Feed my Lambs:
John 21
15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. 18 Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.”
And the greatest of these is Love:
More Love, More Power: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzQwqpjHQV0
I Believe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qfeb7dlChmE&ebc=ANyPxKqNrxI059YtaufNekuqkDsSwoCrgj_p15_sGoIbGpKK_Mx47QFcQEnMnLW0M51Qip1wIbfZI18hOzU15KCdkrh7vdzCrw&nohtml5=False
I got home at 1 am, slept at 2 am, and was back at school by noon today for lunch, class, and meetings.
In the evening, I ended up having some pretty urgent and powerful conversations with an assortment of friends here--from 5-10 pm! There are others I need to catch up with at some point, after being gone for 2 weekends in a row.
I have 4 weeks to write 4 papers and take 1 final. I'm Community Life Coordinator and Class Gift Officer, which means there are 3 big events to help plan before Graduation, and a LOT of emails and budgetary decisions to make.
How can I possibly spend quality time with my community here, keep in touch with friends back in California, and get all this work done?
It's gonna happen, and it won't be by my own strength.
In the meantime, I'm processing a ton of stuff related to career and calling:
Feed my Lambs:
John 21
15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. 18 Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.”
And the greatest of these is Love:
More Love, More Power: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzQwqpjHQV0
I Believe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qfeb7dlChmE&ebc=ANyPxKqNrxI059YtaufNekuqkDsSwoCrgj_p15_sGoIbGpKK_Mx47QFcQEnMnLW0M51Qip1wIbfZI18hOzU15KCdkrh7vdzCrw&nohtml5=False
Monday, April 11, 2016
Homeward Bound
This is fantastic--I'm getting so much done online using Fly-Fi on JetBlue. I've never done this before, and it sort of ruins the crazy liminality one gets to experience mid-air and between time zones. Oh well, why not...
My San Francisco weekend was incredible. There was so much being activated in my spirit and I felt this wonderful new level of grounded-ness growing within me. I do believe that there is something about traveling outside one's bubble that can bring new clarity and confidence. Saints of old spent time and energy embarking on pilgrimages, so clearly this is a thing.
The day before I left for my trip, we had extended prayer time at home group. This is a home group that seeks to help its members learn to hear from God, in community. Encouraging words and images were spoken over and to me, and they were further expounded upon during my travels.
God gave me the best glimpse of the Golden Gate Bridge this morning. It came completely unexpectedly, as my friends and I rounded a corner on a coastal hike. I ran when I saw it, going towards the vista point to take it all in. I fell in love with this symbol of both hope and despair when I was 12 years old, and it's meant something to me ever since. It reminded me today of the strong sense of calling I felt during my time at Yale to be a #bridge--between black and white students; the church and society; and between liberal and conservative Christianity.
I thought a lot, too, about the significance of the month of April in my life. My first date 10 years ago, with a college sweetheart, who was also here this weekend, with his wife, who is exactly the perfect woman for him and someone I cheered for as they dated. They got married 4 years ago, right around the time things ended with my ex. In order to make it to their wedding and to be with a mom who was experiencing intense physical and spiritual illness and attack, I packed my car and drove home to LA. A good friend--the one who got married this weekend--was also driving down to the wedding and helped me bring a few items that wouldn't fit. April is an important anniversary for many other things that I won't mention here. What I will say is that anniversaries always remind me of God's incredible goodness and mercy in my life--in all of its brokenness and beauty.
I will always love my City by the Bay, but I'm going home now, to a community that I've been given and that I've invested in. New Haven gets me for the next few weeks, and then exactly a month from today, I fly back to California again for my brother's graduation.
Oh Jesus, may I treasure up all the things from this trip in my heart. I'd rather live them out through your Spirit than hold onto and remember exactly what (in what exact words) you impressed upon my heart. May I embody what I write about, and may they pass through me as I try to follow Jesus with every breath of my being.
I think I'll stop here for now and end by mentioning, randomly:
2 articles I read over the last 2 days, taken from friends' recommendations/Facebook shares:
http://www.refinery29.com/call-girl-confidence?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=adsales&utm_campaign=STARZ
http://www.christenacleveland.com/2016/04/a-liberation-theology-for-single-people/
2 talks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBGNJQWSYHY&app=desktop
http://www.desiringgod.org/
My San Francisco weekend was incredible. There was so much being activated in my spirit and I felt this wonderful new level of grounded-ness growing within me. I do believe that there is something about traveling outside one's bubble that can bring new clarity and confidence. Saints of old spent time and energy embarking on pilgrimages, so clearly this is a thing.
The day before I left for my trip, we had extended prayer time at home group. This is a home group that seeks to help its members learn to hear from God, in community. Encouraging words and images were spoken over and to me, and they were further expounded upon during my travels.
God gave me the best glimpse of the Golden Gate Bridge this morning. It came completely unexpectedly, as my friends and I rounded a corner on a coastal hike. I ran when I saw it, going towards the vista point to take it all in. I fell in love with this symbol of both hope and despair when I was 12 years old, and it's meant something to me ever since. It reminded me today of the strong sense of calling I felt during my time at Yale to be a #bridge--between black and white students; the church and society; and between liberal and conservative Christianity.
I thought a lot, too, about the significance of the month of April in my life. My first date 10 years ago, with a college sweetheart, who was also here this weekend, with his wife, who is exactly the perfect woman for him and someone I cheered for as they dated. They got married 4 years ago, right around the time things ended with my ex. In order to make it to their wedding and to be with a mom who was experiencing intense physical and spiritual illness and attack, I packed my car and drove home to LA. A good friend--the one who got married this weekend--was also driving down to the wedding and helped me bring a few items that wouldn't fit. April is an important anniversary for many other things that I won't mention here. What I will say is that anniversaries always remind me of God's incredible goodness and mercy in my life--in all of its brokenness and beauty.
I will always love my City by the Bay, but I'm going home now, to a community that I've been given and that I've invested in. New Haven gets me for the next few weeks, and then exactly a month from today, I fly back to California again for my brother's graduation.
Oh Jesus, may I treasure up all the things from this trip in my heart. I'd rather live them out through your Spirit than hold onto and remember exactly what (in what exact words) you impressed upon my heart. May I embody what I write about, and may they pass through me as I try to follow Jesus with every breath of my being.
I think I'll stop here for now and end by mentioning, randomly:
2 articles I read over the last 2 days, taken from friends' recommendations/Facebook shares:
http://www.refinery29.com/call-girl-confidence?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=adsales&utm_campaign=STARZ
http://www.christenacleveland.com/2016/04/a-liberation-theology-for-single-people/
2 talks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBGNJQWSYHY&app=desktop
http://www.desiringgod.org/
Sunday, April 10, 2016
And the Greatest of These is Love
I'm sitting at the dining room table of an AirBnB in San Francisco, hoping to finish a paper due tomorrow.
My companion, a college buddy, sits in the living room just a few feet away, working on a paper for his final semester at Columbia Law School.
The others--3 engineers and a wife--went out to see the Golden Gate Bridge, a sight I would have loved to see again. This is the city that I love, and that I left 4 years ago, in April, without a proper goodbye. I've since visited three times, and each time has given me more closure. Still, the city remains close to my heart, and I love it.
Being with college friends reminds me of my decision to leave "ministry" 10 years ago and enter into a different "calling"--a secular iteration of what it means to love people. Being with these friends reminds me of the college fellowship we were all a part of and found community in. I remember how difficult it was to be in fellowship with friends from this community, even while negotiating tension and disagreement with its leaders.
In 2006, I met with the campus minister of my college fellowship and effectively "resigned." I stepped down because I had some fundamental disagreements with some of their policies. My involvement with Christian "ministry" tapered out as I began exploring the helping profession and eventually landed in the field of music therapy.
The biggest issue that arose in college was this: our campus minister had views about mental illness and sexual assault that seemed unloving and unsympathetic. His views seemed to be unChristian, even though he maintained that they were biblical.
I struggled, because this was a community that loved Scripture and made it a spiritual practice to memorize it. This was a community that took the Great Commission seriously, making disciples of college students and spending hours to that end. This was a community where I had made some of the best friendships of my life. The fact that, 10 years later, I'm in San Francisco for a wedding during my final semester of Divinity School is proof of the strength of those friendships.
I have spent the last decade wrestling with what it means to be a born-again, Bible-believing Christian (#Evangelical) while being completely engaged with the world around me. Several of my closest friendships from this decade are with people who do not know Jesus personally. Most of my time has been spent outside the church in the secular helping profession. And yet, I still call myself a Christian and have not given up hope on contributing my gifting and passion to a local church someday. I still show up for Sunday worship and attend home group regularly.
Divinity School has been instrumental for helping me iron out many theological kinks. The community at Yale has opened my eyes to deeper and wider ways of conceiving of God's kingdom. I am okay with having more questions than answers, and I am more convinced than ever that a posture of humility is the key to having more confidence in Christ and Christ's work on earth.
Even more importantly, the love of Christ (which has been shed abroad in our hearts) is the ultimate source and resource for incredibly confusing times. Were we not put on earth to love God and others with all of our hearts? What I do with my Yale degree is secondary to how well I love others. What I know about Scripture and its proper interpretation/implications is ultimately trumped by the reality that Love is a life-force that can truly conquer all. I was born out of the love of two human beings--my parents--and I was born to love all human beings, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, intelligence, looks, and personality.
This morning, I was able to process things that have been on my heart for years. Layers of questions that began in adolescence, were highlighted in college, reactivated again when I lived in San Francisco, and are still being enlightened today. There are times when the Spirit of God speaks to your spirit in ways that transcend intellectual understanding, and this morning felt that way. I'm not ready to articulate it all just yet, but I can return to Scripture and remind myself that:
Amen.
My companion, a college buddy, sits in the living room just a few feet away, working on a paper for his final semester at Columbia Law School.
The others--3 engineers and a wife--went out to see the Golden Gate Bridge, a sight I would have loved to see again. This is the city that I love, and that I left 4 years ago, in April, without a proper goodbye. I've since visited three times, and each time has given me more closure. Still, the city remains close to my heart, and I love it.
Being with college friends reminds me of my decision to leave "ministry" 10 years ago and enter into a different "calling"--a secular iteration of what it means to love people. Being with these friends reminds me of the college fellowship we were all a part of and found community in. I remember how difficult it was to be in fellowship with friends from this community, even while negotiating tension and disagreement with its leaders.
In 2006, I met with the campus minister of my college fellowship and effectively "resigned." I stepped down because I had some fundamental disagreements with some of their policies. My involvement with Christian "ministry" tapered out as I began exploring the helping profession and eventually landed in the field of music therapy.
The biggest issue that arose in college was this: our campus minister had views about mental illness and sexual assault that seemed unloving and unsympathetic. His views seemed to be unChristian, even though he maintained that they were biblical.
I struggled, because this was a community that loved Scripture and made it a spiritual practice to memorize it. This was a community that took the Great Commission seriously, making disciples of college students and spending hours to that end. This was a community where I had made some of the best friendships of my life. The fact that, 10 years later, I'm in San Francisco for a wedding during my final semester of Divinity School is proof of the strength of those friendships.
I have spent the last decade wrestling with what it means to be a born-again, Bible-believing Christian (#Evangelical) while being completely engaged with the world around me. Several of my closest friendships from this decade are with people who do not know Jesus personally. Most of my time has been spent outside the church in the secular helping profession. And yet, I still call myself a Christian and have not given up hope on contributing my gifting and passion to a local church someday. I still show up for Sunday worship and attend home group regularly.
Divinity School has been instrumental for helping me iron out many theological kinks. The community at Yale has opened my eyes to deeper and wider ways of conceiving of God's kingdom. I am okay with having more questions than answers, and I am more convinced than ever that a posture of humility is the key to having more confidence in Christ and Christ's work on earth.
Even more importantly, the love of Christ (which has been shed abroad in our hearts) is the ultimate source and resource for incredibly confusing times. Were we not put on earth to love God and others with all of our hearts? What I do with my Yale degree is secondary to how well I love others. What I know about Scripture and its proper interpretation/implications is ultimately trumped by the reality that Love is a life-force that can truly conquer all. I was born out of the love of two human beings--my parents--and I was born to love all human beings, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, intelligence, looks, and personality.
This morning, I was able to process things that have been on my heart for years. Layers of questions that began in adolescence, were highlighted in college, reactivated again when I lived in San Francisco, and are still being enlightened today. There are times when the Spirit of God speaks to your spirit in ways that transcend intellectual understanding, and this morning felt that way. I'm not ready to articulate it all just yet, but I can return to Scripture and remind myself that:
1If I speak in the tonguesa of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,b but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Amen.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul
There has been a lot of ugliness in the last 24 hours.
But I praise the Lord nonetheless.
Thank God for YouTube and for the accessibility of praise music.
"Still my soul will sing your praise unending..."
But I praise the Lord nonetheless.
Thank God for YouTube and for the accessibility of praise music.
"Still my soul will sing your praise unending..."
Uncanny (**R-Rated post, PART 2**)
You know, yesterday I was pretty stressed about my travel plans.
I had booked the cheapest flight from JFK to SFO, which meant that I would arrive in California at 1 am. This was a huge inconvenience for my friend Darren (the groom, whose wedding is tomorrow!), who had to pick me up from the airport. I'm staying at the same hotel as he and his fiance. The rest of the crew arrives today and we'll share an AirBnB the next 2 nights.
I hate inconveniencing people, especially on the weekend of their wedding. So I was feeling anxious and irresponsible.
Could it be, though, that I was put in Room 312 so that someone would report the violence that happened in 310 last night?
I checked with the front desk this morning, and they said the police did come to pick someone up last night. I hope and pray that it was the perpetrator next door.
Most rapes happen among acquaintances. Lovers, even. Usually, a rape is not the random stranger you come upon. It's usually someone you know. Someone you're dating. Someone you're in a committed relationship with.
It sounded like that was the case last night, and my heart hurts from that.
I saw a woman walking around the hotel grounds this morning, looking like something bad had happened. I have a feeling it was her. How I wish I could reach out to her, but since I can't, I pray.
Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.
For the wounded, the violated, and the hopeless, we pray.
For the wounders, the violators, and the hopeless, we pray.
Holy Spirit, clear away the evil that is in the heavenly territories above South San Francisco, as well as in New Haven. Let Christ's light shine through. We pray that Your kingdom would come and Your will would be done on this wretched earth!
Amen.
I had booked the cheapest flight from JFK to SFO, which meant that I would arrive in California at 1 am. This was a huge inconvenience for my friend Darren (the groom, whose wedding is tomorrow!), who had to pick me up from the airport. I'm staying at the same hotel as he and his fiance. The rest of the crew arrives today and we'll share an AirBnB the next 2 nights.
I hate inconveniencing people, especially on the weekend of their wedding. So I was feeling anxious and irresponsible.
Could it be, though, that I was put in Room 312 so that someone would report the violence that happened in 310 last night?
I checked with the front desk this morning, and they said the police did come to pick someone up last night. I hope and pray that it was the perpetrator next door.
Most rapes happen among acquaintances. Lovers, even. Usually, a rape is not the random stranger you come upon. It's usually someone you know. Someone you're dating. Someone you're in a committed relationship with.
It sounded like that was the case last night, and my heart hurts from that.
I saw a woman walking around the hotel grounds this morning, looking like something bad had happened. I have a feeling it was her. How I wish I could reach out to her, but since I can't, I pray.
Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.
For the wounded, the violated, and the hopeless, we pray.
For the wounders, the violators, and the hopeless, we pray.
Holy Spirit, clear away the evil that is in the heavenly territories above South San Francisco, as well as in New Haven. Let Christ's light shine through. We pray that Your kingdom would come and Your will would be done on this wretched earth!
Amen.
R-Rated
***WARNING***
This post contains content that may trigger very unpleasant and difficult emotional responses. Please read with caution.
I have put a picture here so that those who do not want to read it don't encounter the first line of the post.
I listened to a woman get raped last night.
It was 2:32 am, PST. I had arrived at my South San Francisco hotel not more than an hour ago, exhausted from nearly 10 hours of travel and having tried to sleep on the plane from JFK to SFO.
At first, I heard a bang, like a door was being slammed. Then a scream, piercing, as if the woman was in pain. The walls here are not very soundproof. It too me a few seconds to wake up, but soon I realized that there was a sexual assault happening right next door to me.
I called the hotel operator: "Someone is getting hurt in Room 310. A woman is screaming."
They said they would take care of it. I really hope they called the police. If I hadn't been cautious about my own safety, I would have walked over and banged on the door.
I've known many people who have been raped--and told me about it. Friends, clients.
I've seen movies about rape, because I think it is an extremely important issue.
I still remember going to the Vagina Monologues in college and learning about the statistic that 1 in 4 women is raped during her lifetime. That is a very, very high number.
It's one thing to have researched and found your vocation from encountering stories of rape. It's another thing to actually "hear-witness" it happen, on a completely unexpected night.
I'm still exhausted and a little delirious from traveling and from a few extremely busy weeks of schoolwork. My vision is a bit blurry, probably from lack of sleep and doing homework on moving vehicles.
But the screams from last night ring clearly in my head, the sounds of a woman begging for a man to stop hurting her.
My desire to be in the world among hurting people has been growing immensely this season, and I have sensed strongly that I am to be a pastor outside the church--a chaplain. I am more passionate about that than ever this morning, and I pray that wherever the couple is this morning (I think I heard them leave the room later in the night--perhaps hotel management did deal with it) that God's angels will minister to them.
Misogyny is a devilish force that both women and men need redemption from. This in no way pardons men from the heinous crimes they commit. I would have beat up the perpetrator last night if I could. Women have endured unspeakable wrongs at the hands of men and society for far too long. I stand in the gap for them today, interceding in prayer and claiming my own spiritual authority as a warrior in Christ.
Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. In your mercy, judge and convict those of us who treat another human being as less than beautiful and worthy of absolute honor and respect.
Holy Spirit, give me the only thing that can conquer evil in this world. Give me more of God's love.
Amen.
This post contains content that may trigger very unpleasant and difficult emotional responses. Please read with caution.
I have put a picture here so that those who do not want to read it don't encounter the first line of the post.
I listened to a woman get raped last night.
It was 2:32 am, PST. I had arrived at my South San Francisco hotel not more than an hour ago, exhausted from nearly 10 hours of travel and having tried to sleep on the plane from JFK to SFO.
At first, I heard a bang, like a door was being slammed. Then a scream, piercing, as if the woman was in pain. The walls here are not very soundproof. It too me a few seconds to wake up, but soon I realized that there was a sexual assault happening right next door to me.
I called the hotel operator: "Someone is getting hurt in Room 310. A woman is screaming."
They said they would take care of it. I really hope they called the police. If I hadn't been cautious about my own safety, I would have walked over and banged on the door.
I've known many people who have been raped--and told me about it. Friends, clients.
I've seen movies about rape, because I think it is an extremely important issue.
I still remember going to the Vagina Monologues in college and learning about the statistic that 1 in 4 women is raped during her lifetime. That is a very, very high number.
It's one thing to have researched and found your vocation from encountering stories of rape. It's another thing to actually "hear-witness" it happen, on a completely unexpected night.
I'm still exhausted and a little delirious from traveling and from a few extremely busy weeks of schoolwork. My vision is a bit blurry, probably from lack of sleep and doing homework on moving vehicles.
But the screams from last night ring clearly in my head, the sounds of a woman begging for a man to stop hurting her.
My desire to be in the world among hurting people has been growing immensely this season, and I have sensed strongly that I am to be a pastor outside the church--a chaplain. I am more passionate about that than ever this morning, and I pray that wherever the couple is this morning (I think I heard them leave the room later in the night--perhaps hotel management did deal with it) that God's angels will minister to them.
Misogyny is a devilish force that both women and men need redemption from. This in no way pardons men from the heinous crimes they commit. I would have beat up the perpetrator last night if I could. Women have endured unspeakable wrongs at the hands of men and society for far too long. I stand in the gap for them today, interceding in prayer and claiming my own spiritual authority as a warrior in Christ.
Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. In your mercy, judge and convict those of us who treat another human being as less than beautiful and worthy of absolute honor and respect.
Holy Spirit, give me the only thing that can conquer evil in this world. Give me more of God's love.
Amen.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Love. Humanity. The Kin-dom
I've been doing quite a bit of traveling lately. It's an insane time of semester, but somehow, with grace and faith, I'm managing. This week alone, I passed through Grand Central Station twice.
On Sunday night, I was there at 11 pm, having just taken a Megabus from Washington, D.C. I caught the 11:39 train to New Haven and got home at 2 am.
I was there again this afternoon, in the midst of the Friday rush, to catch a bus to the JFK airport.
I'm flying to San Francisco to attend the wedding of a college friend this weekend. Last weekend, I visited 2 friends (Bekah, from my music therapy internship 7 years ago and Dina, who I went to 8th grade with) in Washington, D.C. On the 5-hour Megabus ride from DC to NYC, I befriended and got to share Jesus with 2 students from China who are studying law at Columbia. Traveling again this weekend, I prayed again for God to work in me during my travels.
Today, as I beheld the writhing masses of humanity streaming around in New York, I saw again with new eyes the way God sees us. I've been wrestling a lot lately with my identity and my calling. But I was struck on the bus with the reminder that I cam called to love people, no matter where I am and what I'm doing. Humanity is a broken mess, but we are called to love them as Jesus loves them. That is what the kingdom of God is about. Or, as we like to say in Divinity School, in an effort to remove language of conquest and male domination: the kin-dom, the family of God!
Last night at home group, we prayed over the City of New Haven and the spiritual darkness we have felt over it. Even at the Divinity School, there are sometimes spiritual forces and battles beyond my comprehension--but which I sense and feel discouraged by. My friend Tori encouraged me to confront the darkness with love. We win battles through praise and worship (like Joshua toppled Jericho), and we must exercise our spiritual authority in such a manner.
Jesus, may I confront all the spiritual darkness in the world with your Love. I will go wherever you take me among the writhing masses of humanity. May your kin-dom come and Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven!
Amen.
On Sunday night, I was there at 11 pm, having just taken a Megabus from Washington, D.C. I caught the 11:39 train to New Haven and got home at 2 am.
I was there again this afternoon, in the midst of the Friday rush, to catch a bus to the JFK airport.
I'm flying to San Francisco to attend the wedding of a college friend this weekend. Last weekend, I visited 2 friends (Bekah, from my music therapy internship 7 years ago and Dina, who I went to 8th grade with) in Washington, D.C. On the 5-hour Megabus ride from DC to NYC, I befriended and got to share Jesus with 2 students from China who are studying law at Columbia. Traveling again this weekend, I prayed again for God to work in me during my travels.
Today, as I beheld the writhing masses of humanity streaming around in New York, I saw again with new eyes the way God sees us. I've been wrestling a lot lately with my identity and my calling. But I was struck on the bus with the reminder that I cam called to love people, no matter where I am and what I'm doing. Humanity is a broken mess, but we are called to love them as Jesus loves them. That is what the kingdom of God is about. Or, as we like to say in Divinity School, in an effort to remove language of conquest and male domination: the kin-dom, the family of God!
Last night at home group, we prayed over the City of New Haven and the spiritual darkness we have felt over it. Even at the Divinity School, there are sometimes spiritual forces and battles beyond my comprehension--but which I sense and feel discouraged by. My friend Tori encouraged me to confront the darkness with love. We win battles through praise and worship (like Joshua toppled Jericho), and we must exercise our spiritual authority in such a manner.
Jesus, may I confront all the spiritual darkness in the world with your Love. I will go wherever you take me among the writhing masses of humanity. May your kin-dom come and Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven!
Amen.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Surrendered and it Feels So Good
Lent was a time of deep thinking and processing.
Holy Week was especially intense, but I got through it.
We are always to surrender our own will and desires to those of God, but sometimes that surrender comes more intensely during certain seasons and moments. Contrary to what we may assume, our desires do not always conflict with God's, but sometimes surrender does mean that we must lay down our own ways of thinking and let God speak to us in ways that Sh/He can't when we're caught up in our own head.
I've felt a new sense of freedom after the last round of surrender. It feels damn good, and in the words of my fiesty friend, "I'm so fucking happy!"
Really, though, when we follow through with our promise to Jesus, our promise that we'll follow him wherever he goes, we are released from our own limited capacities for joy and contentment.
Amen.
Holy Week was especially intense, but I got through it.
We are always to surrender our own will and desires to those of God, but sometimes that surrender comes more intensely during certain seasons and moments. Contrary to what we may assume, our desires do not always conflict with God's, but sometimes surrender does mean that we must lay down our own ways of thinking and let God speak to us in ways that Sh/He can't when we're caught up in our own head.
I've felt a new sense of freedom after the last round of surrender. It feels damn good, and in the words of my fiesty friend, "I'm so fucking happy!"
Really, though, when we follow through with our promise to Jesus, our promise that we'll follow him wherever he goes, we are released from our own limited capacities for joy and contentment.
1 Timothy 6:6-11New International Version (NIV)
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9 Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trapand into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
Leaving and Cleaving
For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife...
We've all heard this before, those of us who grew up in the church and attended friends' weddings.
But does anyone ever stop to think about the actuality of Christian marriages nowadays? Too often it is the woman who relocates to join the man, who gives up her career to support his and bear his children, and who relinquishes her last name--her family name--for his.
So who's really doing the leaving and cleaving here?
Just some food for thought =)
We've all heard this before, those of us who grew up in the church and attended friends' weddings.
But does anyone ever stop to think about the actuality of Christian marriages nowadays? Too often it is the woman who relocates to join the man, who gives up her career to support his and bear his children, and who relinquishes her last name--her family name--for his.
So who's really doing the leaving and cleaving here?
Just some food for thought =)
Relationships
I look at some couples and I think: they seem happy and loving, and it's a functional relationship, but they aren't necessarily making the world a better place by being together. It's a selfish relationship, in which both people benefit, but there is no sense of something greater.
Some friendships are like that, too, and there is nothing wrong with that. We all need spaces where our value comes not from what we do, but simply from who we are. And it's a blessing to have someone else--romantic or platonic--appreciate and enjoy us.
My desire, though, for if I ever find a partner, is that we would be able to do more for the world, our community, and those around us by being together than if we were apart. That's the only compelling reason for me to give up my freedom.
If the Lord wills, we shall live, and do this or that...
Inshallah.
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