For the last 2 evenings, I have listened to sermons from Reservoir Church, the church I first went to when I moved to Boston. Although it's been 6 months since I have set foot in the building, I still feel connected to what this community is up to. This fall, they hired a Korean-American female pastor, which was something I cared about deeply and was encouraged by. And currently, during Lent, their sermons are a weekly boost--a protein shake to augment my regular meals (personal devotions).
This evening's sermon talked about Jacob wrestling with God before his reunion with Esau. It talked about his shift from being a hustler (favored and looked after by God, but also conniving with his human smarts) to being weakened by God's touch.
Over a year ago, I had my own wrestling match with God--to the point where I literally felt, for a few days, a soreness in my hip that resulted in a slight limp.
Recently, I felt God speaking to me (while I was watching a move on Netflix, of all times) and saying, "You need to make peace with your past."
Like Jacob, I have been led far away from my community of origin--from the people and beliefs that raised me and blessed me and from which I fled. Leaving the Evangelical world and mindset has been excruciating at times, and this has been one of my loneliest years--not for lack of people who care, but because it's been hard to share with people exactly what my process has been like.
Making peace with my past is not exactly the same as Jacob seeing Esau again, but I've taken the liberty of relating to this story in ways that I hope will spur me to more connection and healing and growth.
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