Chapter 8: What Not to Say

Chaplain humor helps us cope.  We always make a point to be respectful of patients and families, and often we are making fun of ourselves, or the way a situation plays out.  By the end of January, all of us had received the second shot of the vaccine.  The atmosphere in the shared office space was more relaxed, and we continued to find reasons to laugh together.

Our peer brought in a list of platitudes, from a book that gave examples of what not to say to those who are grieving.  We wrote some of our favorite platitudes on the board, and referred to them throughout the course of the week.  

A peer spoke about the challenges of parenting, in the midst of being a dedicated chaplain.  We echoed, true to form, "That sounds hard.  Do you want to share more about it?"  Our peer shared a bit more.  Then, we pointed to the board, signaling a turn from the serious to the sarcastic, which we knew could only be done in the safety of permission and trust to do so:

"Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

There is a texting emoji which has a face that is laughing and crying at the same time.  That face captures so much of how we process life.  Often, we chaplains laugh so hard that we want to cry at the same time.  Laughing and crying both release stress, and are healing.

The art of providing platitude-free spiritual care does take practice.  Often, people ask me about my role: "So do you basically just comfort patients while they are dying?"  Well, yes--and also so much more.  

We hope to serve as cathartic presences, for those who need to access and express their feelings; catalysts for reflection, for those who need to reconnect with their sense of self, through their personal narrative; and as comfort for those for whom hope feels out of reach, simply by seeing and acknowledging how they feel.  We champion ways of providing care that require much more intentionality than simple platitudes.

To close, I will list a few more examples of what not to say:

"It's God's will."

"This is your Karma."

"You can always have another baby."

"This is why I always lock my car doors!"

"Oh, I know exactly how you feel, I went through the same thing."

"This is nothing compared to what the Hurricane survivors had to go through."