Prayers

Theology drains me sometimes.  I know some friends who love organizing their thoughts about God and making (a little more) tangible things about Divine mysteries.  It's as if verbalizing something gives it a claim to truth.  And it does, in many ways.

Though I did very well in my Introduction to Theology class, I know that this particular way of academic and spiritual engagement is just not my thing.  I much prefer to read people's thoughts spoken aloud to God, rather than their thoughts about God.  I've always enjoyed reading people's descriptions of their interactions with God.  Perhaps I shall take a course on Women Mystics this academic year.

Prayer involves speaking to God and listening to Him, and eavesdropping on others' prayers gives me a window into the things God is up to within humanity.

Here are snippets from some of mine this morning:

Lord, I have not had an entire day to myself in ages, it seems.  What a luxury to be able to sleep in until I awaken naturally, with no piercing alarm to jumpstart me into a busy day!  You speak to me in my waking moments, while I still lie on my bed.  Oh, I could bask in that peace for the whole day, if human needs did not compel me to get up and use the restroom.

I go downstairs to make breakfast, relieved that the kitchen is empty.  My housemate walks in from the other room to say good morning, and I am pleased.  A little bit of human contact is always good, even if one is starting an Introvert Recharging Day.

A pot has been in the sink since 2 days ago.  It's not my mess but I wash it anyway, hearing my irritation reflected in my quick sloshing of water.  Lord, give me grace.  I am so ungenerous sometimes.

It seems that people are always wanting something from me.  Work, of course, is a given.  But at least I'm being paid to do that.  Then there are friends who want to get together.  "We should hang out sometime....Let's go here and do that....Can we have a party?"

Perhaps it comes as a surprise to some that I don't actually always enjoy being with people.  I love my own company best.  Why, then, did I throw so many parties last semester?  Why, now, have I taken on the role of Community Life Co-Coordinator at Yale Divinity School?

Lord, why do I do things that I know will challenge me?  All I ever wanted since I was a child was a simple life and a nice family.  And lots of personal space--you know this!

And yet, reflecting back on my journey thus far, there are also clear memories of the exact times that delineate my sense of calling and purpose and which call for me to engage with community.

Bridge.  Multitude.  Supernatural.  Warrior.

These were words prayed over me by my church before I departed for New Haven.

And then last night. 

I have given you the City of New Haven as territory.

What does that mean?

I've taken steps to get to know my city this summer.  My goal was never to relax and have fun.  You know this, Lord!  Yesterday evening, I attended a spoken word and visual arts exhibit at ArtSpace.  Incarcerated men and New Haven youth showcased their work.  It was deeply moving.

If I'd had my way, I would have come home and hidden in my room to process all that I heard.  Instead, I went and bought s'mores for a bonfire that was taking place in my back yard.  A dear friend said it best:  "It's challenging being an Introvert Host."  I often have to hide from my own parties--bathroom breaks, walking people out to their cars and taking my time to come back...

I gather people together because I sense that it is a way to meet a need.  Yale Divinity School is starving for true community, and if I can somehow help provide some of that by hosting parties where theology is discussed over beers and where sing-alongs are made possible by stellar guitar players in our midst, then it's my joy to do so.  But I don't do it to satisfy my own need.  It takes a full day for me to recover from every party I host.

Then there are things that recharge me.  Solitary walks, blogging, and dancing, where the only interaction is physical and not verbal.  Going to church to worship and receive prayer.  That's where I meet you the most easily, Lord, safeguarded from my own distractions and wayward mind.

In this life, Introvert Heaven is found by shutting the room of my door or escaping humanity by going to nature.  But in Heaven, there will be no sense of being drained, and my identity as an Introvert will be subsumed by a sense of community that is always only uplifting and life-giving.  Oh, how I look forward to that day!