When I started dating someone seriously for the first time--this means that my parents and their friends knew about it, as opposed to something I was figuring out on my own or just with peers--my life changed.
Not only was I getting more attention than ever from one special person, but others around me were also constantly asking, blessing, and praising me for the "accomplishment" of finding someone. Apparently, just because I'd had great chemistry with a guy I met at the wedding of mutual friends, I had somehow "earned" a higher status in the eyes of society.
In the church, singleness is often framed as a time of preparing for marriage. We save ourselves so that we can offer ourselves to our mate. We serve the church so that we can one day love a family. And we're not "real adults"--or full-fledged members of church leadership--until we find another half.
Things completely changed when I decided not to be in a relationship anymore.
During the discernment process, adults told me, "This is as good as you'll ever get. If you don't take this opportunity, another one won't come along." The only time someone is allowed to give me such important advice is 1) If they have committed to praying for me regularly and 2) If they are willing to walk with me in the aftermath of the decision.
It is the most bizarre thing to be in a serious relationship (on and off) for a few years and then suddenly be thrust "back" into the world of singles. Married and dating couples no longer want to hang out with you. (So "let's go on a double date!" was more of an exercise in validating un-singleness than in truly spending quality time, after all.) Adults get on your case for being a failure in the relationship department. Nobody really asks you what actually happened and how it's affecting you.
I was glad to learn of a liberation theology for single people recently. Read more here.
Lately, the wounds of which I speak have healed more completely. It's been an uphill battle for the last few years, but I have found myself to be happier than I ever was when I was in a romantic relationship. Without looking for it, I have found myself having deep relationships with good guys, and now I invest more into friendship than in the idea of romance.
This is not to say that I will resist something if it develops, but I am more interested in building people up as a friend and encouraging them to follow their calling than in asking them to give particular attention to me. I am in a time of discernment right now, and the things I think about concern both marriage and vocation. Before things are made clear, I want to take time to say:
I promise to validate singles for the rest of my life. In sickness and health, in my own times of singleness and in my times of exploration with a potential partner. I promise to pray for the church and for our society, that individuals would be celebrated for who God has made them to be rather than the "status" they possess or have been given.
It breaks my heart to see the institution of marriage put on such a high pedestal at the expense of those who are outside of--or not benefitting from--it. This means gays, singles, divorced, unhappily married, domestically abused, and the polyamorous.
Love is for everyone, folks, and it's about time we started sharing it!
No comments:
Post a Comment