Freedom

I long so much for God's people to walk in freedom that comes by faith.  So many Christians are shackled by church culture, incomplete theology, and personal limitations.  In my own journey, I have walked out of spiritual bondage that has often been imposed by my own standards of religiosity rather than a true following of Jesus.

Following Jesus is supposed to bring life and joy!

Lately, I've been struggling with anxieties that rob me of peace.  In thinking back to a variety of experiences I've had in my short life--and the ways I've internalized and processed those experiences--I have found myself feeling doubtful about ever being able to share all of who I am with another person.  The thing about getting married after one's 20s is that there is so much more to explain about your life to the person you're dating--and so much that wasn't shared with them.

I think about young couples who got married fresh out of college.  They were still half-formed, and thus able to continue shaping their lives together.  They were babies, but they faced the world together and had each other for support.  My mom always encouraged me to get married young, and I wanted that for myself too.  (My ideal age was 24.  And then 4 kids, at 18 months apart, whom I would homeschool.  That was my dream!)  It just somehow hasn't worked out that way.

Another inner struggle of late has been a resistance to ending up with someone who is entrenched within a particular sphere of Christianity--Evangelical, denominational, pastoral.  I processed this with my spiritual director the other night, and she summed it up thus:  "Perhaps, after all the work you've put in and the pain you've gone through to achieve great freedom in Jesus, you feel like you'd be going backwards by settling with someone who (you feel or fear) is still "stuck" in a particular framework."

Like Eowyn from Lord of the Rings, "I fear neither death nor pain."  What I fear is

A cage. 
To stay behind bars 
until use and old age accept them 
and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.  

Is any person worth giving up my freedom?

I've spent the last few days giving these thoughts to Jesus and asking for His perspective and peace.  In my quiet times, I've been reading Jesus Calling (a birthday gift from my friend Pearl) and the last part of Acts.  There is a lot in there about how the Spirit helps us navigate circumstances and conflicts of culture.  I've certainly needed to hear from Jesus so that my fears can be quelled.

This morning, Luke 12:48 came to me:

But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.  

Jesus gave me my particular set of life experiences for a reason, and for his Kin-dom.  Shouldn't I be more preoccupied with how I can allow God's Spirit to show me how to pour out my experiences and talents for the sake of the Church at large, rather than worrying about whether someone else with a different set of circumstances and gifts will hold me back if I share my life with them?

My mom and I read John 21:20-24 together when I was a child.  In her wisdom, she saw this tendency of mine to over-care about the fate of others.  (As I've matured, I've discerned that it's the prophetic bent in me.  But without Spirit-led and love-based tempering, it can make me critical and spiteful rather than gracious and prayerful.)  I am reminded to watch my Peter-like tendencies:

Peter turned around and saw behind them the disciple Jesus loved...Peter asked Jesus, “What about him, Lord?”

Jesus replied, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow me.”

As for you, follow me.  Don't bury your talent in the ground because you're worried about the overall outcome of whether the investment will be worth it.  Do your part with what you've been given.

I have been given more than most in many respects.  Isn't it about time I started sharing?