In 2007, when I was praying about marriage one day, I seemed to get an impression that God would give me someone who had 1) gone to Columbia University 2) played jazz 3) worked in finance and 4) salsa danced. There was no one around me who was remotely like that, and I soon forgot about it.
It wasn't until 2010, more than 6 months into a serious courtship, that I realized that the guy I was with was all four of those things. While this was a confirmation that I was able to hear specific things from God, it also proved to be a point of confusion for me when it came time to decide whether or not to stay in the relationship.
You see, there was one thing from his past that troubled me. We hadn't discussed it explicitly, but it was a shadow in the back of my mind. We were getting to the point of working towards engagement--I had quit my job and relocated to a city just ten minutes away from where he lived--and I needed to know more.
One night, I had a nightmare. So explicit that I felt as if I were seeing a part of his past--and experiencing the emotions that went on back then. I confronted him about it one October night--it was actually Halloween. It turns out that what I had seen was what had happened, and I lost it.
I was furious, and I let him have it. I hurt him deeply, and hope I never fly into that kind of a rage again. To this day, I still tend to erase that memory from my consciousness.
Then the counseling began. It worked insofar as I realized I wasn't ready for marriage and therefore couldn't get engaged to him--at least not yet.
One of the hardest things in the decision-making process was the fact that he was everything I had been prophetically been told about. Was I discarding the One God had prepared for me?
I came to the conclusion that he was indeed someone God had for me--as a gift, for a season, but not necessarily as a life partner.
Hearing from God is a confusing business, and I think it takes practice and community--as well as experiencing failures--in order to purge impure motives and selfish pride.
I ended up dating my ex a second time, due to "hearing from God." I shared with--and got very mixed responses from--my friends and community. The road to becoming potential partners again was not easy, and when we broke up a second time, I was completely confused and disillusioned.
Because church elders had been somewhat involved in our relationship the second time around, I found myself deeply mistrusting religious leadership. I stepped away from Sunday worship for a year and focused on finding myself again without the pressure of having to be a certain kind of Christian woman.
History is a blend of fact and storytelling. There is no journal entry from 2007 that proves that I "heard," but in my memory it is sharp and clear. This is my story, and how I narrate the past will affect how I approach the future. Thank goodness that God is still speaking to me--and that I hear him better as the years go by.
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