Speaking Up

In college, I was terrified of speaking up in class.

That was a terrible problem to have, because the Thematic Option Honors General Education program in which I was enrolled had as its very lifeblood USC's very own version of the Socratic Method: essentially, each class started off with the instructor asking open-ended questions about the primary texts.  Then, for the rest of the class, students were expected to contribute their opinions and to interact with one another in vigorous discussion and debate.

If I remember correctly, there weren't that many Asians in Thematic Option (I guess it didn't really behoove pre-med, engineering, or music majors to spend that much time engaging in Western classics when they should be coasting through normal GE courses in order to make time for more "important" things, like studying for the MCAT, doing equations, or practicing 8 hours of violin a day.)  I wasn't pre-med or an engineer, and I was probably the worst violinist in the music department.  So here I was, in the General Education Honors Program, "branching out" from the Asian crowd in fear and trembling.  Perhaps being a minority in a program that took a postmodern approach to Western texts just wasn't up my alley.  Perhaps being homeschooled for the 2 years leading up to college had undermined my academic and social confidence.  Or perhaps the internal-processing-introvert part of me simply preferred to hash things out in private and on paper, rather than engage in "dialectic processing" in a group with people I didn't know (and often didn't care for).

At any rate, the discussion portions of my grades were usually mediocre, and I always came away from classes feeling frustrated.  I went through college loving the readings, loving discussions on the readings that took place with friends outside the classroom, but dreading classes themselves. Graduate school didn't do much to solve that problem.  Classes--also heavily discussion-based--still proved to be frustrating and intimidating, and professors still told me I was too silent. My favorite part about my Master's in East Asian Languages and Cultures was the research and writing of my thesis, because it was a solitary endeavor.

Now, six years after taking my last class at USC, I find myself to be surprisingly confident and enthusiastic about speaking up in class at Divinity School.   What's changed, and what's brought about that change?

A few things, I think:

• Graduating into the working world, and having to participate at work meetings.  Whereas much of what had been discussed in my classrooms was theoretical or hypothetical, meetings at work addressed pressing issues that had real implications for clients that I cared about.  That definitely spurred me on to speak up!  I've discovered that advocating for issues and people is something that makes me lose inhibitions of voicing my opinions.
• Participating in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship International) for 5 1/2 years.  This is an involved Bible study that entails weekly homework, discussion, and lectures.  Talking about portions of Scripture with a group of ladies once a week became one of the few forms of "intellectual inquiry" I had once I started working, so I savored each opportunity to share my thoughts!
• Family talks around the dinner table.  Each member of my family is pretty opinionated, likes to read, and likes to think, so that makes for lively--sometimes heated--conversations!  Also, my brother attended a Christian liberal arts college where he had plenty of spiritual material to engage with, so I got a tiny glimpse of certain kinds of inquiry through him.

I really admire my classmates at Yale who are coming straight from undergrad.  I don't think I would have had the courage and the confidence to do this kind of thing back when I finished at USC.  I'm really glad to have had a few years away from academia, because now that I'm back, I'm ready to soak in every moment and to speak up.